by Riley Bauling
Daily Lobo
One of these days, I'm going to bite the bullet, pay to see a Major League Baseball game in person, and actually feel like I'm paying for some of those clowns' salaries.
I haven't supported the game in large part because it has been dying ever since the steroids accusations started flying in 1998 when Sammy "I look like the Hamburglar" Sosa and Mark "I make Jose Canseco look good" McGwire went toe to toe bashing home runs. I've never really wanted to jump on a wagon that's already been doused in kerosene and is only waiting to roll through a scene of "Backdraft," "Ladder 49" or fill in token fire movie here.
Baseball had to know this was coming. Sooner or later, someone was going to blow the whistle, and I love that it was Canseco in his book Juiced. It's absolutely priceless that the guy who brags in his book about not only pummeling people at bars, but also taking turns shoving a needle into another man's butt cheek within the confines of a bathroom stall was the one to have a conscience during the whole Congressional hearings and subsequent lying and finger pointing.
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What's sad is that I used to like baseball before I was too naive to know they were all cheating. Now I'm skeptical, and skepticism makes me wary of supporting athletes who are no longer using their own ability, but rather the chemical genius of some doctor who would just as soon eat a bicycle tire if it meant extra dough in his pocket.
So is there still a reason to watch America's national pastime? Read these three and decide for yourself.
3. Hating the New York Yankees - If there's one team that deserves to feast on a bowl of fecal matter, it's the Yankees. You know after Barry Bonds' reality show, the next thing coming has got to be a show chronicling the Evil Empire. There are so many interesting story lines we're missing that probably occur, but here's one potential knockout episode: Alex Rodriguez, on pace to hit 75 home runs with 210-plus RBIs, feels like he's invincible. The 31-year-old Rodriguez, to test the waters, goes after the 19-year-old Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen - whichever isn't featured on the cover of a tabloid magazine that week for doing amphetamines with Bob Saget - and seals the deal. Derek Jeter and the gang, who have hated Rodriguez since he came to the Yankees, manage to snap photos of the two canoodling and threaten to post the photos around the clubhouse unless Rodriguez - gasp - doesn't wax or pluck his eyebrows for - gasp again - a whole month. How could you not want to see those prima donnas on television?
2. Watching Albert Pujols - If there's someone I don't want to get caught with steroids, it's this guy. First of all, he's got a .333 lifetime batting average and his best years are still ahead of him. Second, he has hit 40 home runs or more in his past three seasons in addition to 117 or more RBIs. Third, he's genuinely likable and doesn't refer to himself in the third person. Fourth, here's the pronunciation ESPN.com gives for his name: POO-holes. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.
1. Seeing what Barry Bonds will do next - I tried to come up with something else other than Bonds, but like that Applebee's commercial played to the tune of the theme from "Gilligan's Island" that makes me want to stick soup ladles into my ears, he just kept popping into my head. I love how a San Diego Padre fan threw a syringe at him. I love even more how Bonds picked it up and nonchalantly tossed it to the side. He's going to totally lose it by the end of this season. I can see him tearing off his jersey Hulk Hogan style, splintering a bat in two, climbing into the stands, and then devouring a person whole. I'm recording every San Francisco Giants game this season. I suggest you do the same.
