by Steven Fernandez
Daily Lobo
The Dallas Cowboys caught the biggest fish in the sea by signing Terrell Owens in free agency.
As a lifelong Philadelphia Eagles fan, I'm not sure if I should jump for joy and scream like a 6-year-old girl who just got a pony, or go cry under my bed.
Part of me fears Owens leading Dallas to its sixth Super Bowl victory, leaving Philadelphia fans with a worse taste in their mouth than the time Justin Timberlake found out he was white.
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On the other hand, the diva wide receiver could destroy the Cowboys. Let's take a peek into the possible future of the Owens era in Dallas:
It's week five and Cowboy quarterback Drew Bledsoe has just under-thrown Owens for the 357th time of the season. Despite trying to be on his best behavior with his new team, Owens stomps back to the huddle and attacks Bledsoe on national television. After teammates break up the fight and Bledsoe is carried off on a stretcher, Dallas head coach Bill Parcells calls Owens into a meeting that goes something like this:
Owens: "I'm T.O., Baby. I'm the baddest man on the planet. If you would just let me throw the ball to myself..."
Parcells: "Shut up, T.O. - "
Owens: "Don't tell me to shut up. You shut up. My last name ain't Parcells."
Would Parcells have a heart attack on the spot? I can already picture his forehead swelling up to the size of Texas, blood squirting out of his earlobes, and his eyes bulging out like Rodney Dangerfield.
Owens would then go on to do an interview in which he publicly questions Bledsoe's sexuality, calls Parcells a "hater" and criticizes owner Jerry Jones for not spending half the team budget on Owens.
And because of Parcells' ego and apparent hatred of life itself, the coach would turn homicidal. He would forget that he is something like 97 years old, break into Owens' mansion, where T.O. and agent Drew Rosenhaus are sharing a pink bubble bath, and start swinging at Owens before Rosenhaus hit him in the back of the head with a Smirnoff Ice bottle.
With Parcells hospitalized and the Rosenhaus/Owens sex scandal, Jones would finally have enough, and have to suspend the receiver without pay. With the locker room divided, a head coach who has just developed the twitches and an owner so confused he begins referring to himself as Jenny, the Cowboys' demise would be complete.
If that doesn't happen though, the Eagles need to have a good draft to prepare for a brutal year in the NFC East. Florida wide receiver Chad Jackson would be the best fit; he's fast, strong, and has excellent hands. He's a big, physical receiver, unlike Todd "No, please don't throw me the ball" Pinkston.
The NFC East really has the chance to be the best division in football next season. The Cowboys, New York Giants and even the pansy Washington Redskins all had winning records last season, with the latter two making the playoffs. Meanwhile, the Eagles are two years removed from a Super Bowl appearance and should have Donovan McNabb and Brian Westbrook healthy again.
If the Eagles want to remain competitive in a division that will have more hot action than Tara Reid's bed, I suggest they take Jackson in the first round. If not, you can find me under my bed.
