Editor,
Thank you, Dennis Kinzler, for your letter to the Daily Lobo on Monday warning me that there are so-called scientists who fear-monger using global warming.
To think, I was starting to believe science. But luckily, you have used science to prove that science is wrong. Oh well. Let's just ignore that, because I'm so happy global warming is our friend and no longer our enemy.
I'm especially pleased to hear Kinzler's parents won't have to suffer through another winter inside their heated homes. That news makes me particularly happy because I was tired of all this talk about famines caused by rapidly expanding deserts in Africa. That's a real bummer to have to hear about.
Ever heard of bottled water, Ethiopia? Come on, get with the times. I'm also glad you told me global warming is only going to cause 6,000 deaths. Silly me. I was under the impression that it would cause an unknown amount of deaths that could range anywhere from hundreds of thousands to millions or more depending on how severe it got.
I'm also glad these erratic weather patterns, which are unpredictable and causing untold damage to wildlife and crops around the world, will settle into a nice temperate climate for everyone. That means it's OK if deserts keep expanding, because arable land will, too.
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It doesn't matter how hot the Earth gets, because arable land must grow proportionally to deserts. I get it now. It's the science, people.
Stupid Al Gore telling me there is something to fear from global warming. He must have a hidden agenda. That teaches me to pay attention to so-called truths.
Thanks to Kinzler, I will now judge whether something is true or not before I read it. That will save me loads of time - plus, I get to decide whatever I want.
Oh good, I almost forgot. The memo Kinzler was talking about. The one that the Midwest hadn't received yet. I don't know what it said, but it sounded like it made people care about the environment and avert global warming.
That's the last thing we want to happen. I know, let's get the Midwest to send a memo to the rest of the world:
"Dear rest of the world, thank you for your concerns on global warming. Turns out, we not only admit global warming is happening but actually would prefer it. It's mighty uncomfortable in this cold weather. Could we turn up the heat? Sorry about the famines. Not that any of us really care.
You're screwed,
The American Midwest."
Thank God there are people such as Kinzler in this country who are selfish enough in this world to avert inconveniences, even in the face of unmitigated disaster.
Jeff Andersen
UNM alumnus
