I’ve nearly lost count of how many guys I haven’t slept with. First, there was Edward James Henderson, Jr., who came from a fine family but preferred to stuff his trust fund in the end of a pipe. Not only was he the first man I’d seen do the wake-and-bake, he was also six years my senior and the former housemate of my best friend Erica. Ed let us stay at his mansion one Friday when we ditched class, and after a long night of drinking too much and smoking more, I ended up in Ed’s bed with increasingly less clothing when he said, “Your curves are so perfect, like only Raphael could have imagined,” (A fat cherub? What?) and, of course, the timeless, “Your skin is so soft” (Thanks, cheap moisturizing body wash does wonders) — But oh, then came the line, the one line all women want to hear: “I just want to make you feel good.” Well, I’d told Ed I was a virgin and had to stay that way. I was saving it for marriage. Before any fluids of any kind were shared, he had agreed that the panties would not come off. So, on that prime occasion, I said “No” (and have rather whole-heartedly regretted i since).
After Edward James Henderson, Jr., there was the fantastically well-built but unfortunately shy what-was-his-name (our first date was at a pizza place, vegetarian
pizza to share — Oh, haha, so glad you’re a vegetarian, too, Yes isn’t it nice to try new things now that we’re away from home, Dr. Black inspired me to do it, Me, too! What a coincidence — but what was his name?). Terrible kisser. All closed mouth and teeth like a brick wall even when he was feeling me up. Honestly, a man ought to know better. Watch at least one romantic comedy for every three pornos and you’re more likely to get some action, guys.
Third was Chris, the man who was more than 10 years older than me and worked in the cafeteria on campus. His girlfriend was a senior, but he made himself very popular with us freshmen, either by seeming the charming, debonair gentleman; the caring big brother; or the mysterious, just-out-of-reach older man. He became whatever the situation and young ladie called for. On one of my first mornings leaving the omelet line, I was a bit sleepy and tripped and dropped my tray in front of everyone. Chris walked right up and lifted me by the elbow, asked if I was OK, and brought me a new tray. He befriended my roommates as well and made frequent visits to our dorm to hang out before his shift. Then one night he convinced me to go for a drive and shotgun till the world wasn’t real. He then kissed me oh-so-sweetly on the bed in a trashy motel on the edge of town (how did I end up there?). It was only because of my plaintive whimpering for mercy that he didn’t take me. He told me so. The stories don’t end there, and they certainly get happier, dear readers, but I think three almosts is enough to leave you with this week.
As a parting gift, I offer some simple wisdom to both sexes, based on my first three wouldhave- been encounters, and will probably be most useful to those of you in a comparable place.
Girls:
Don’t take your bra off until you’re comfortable enough to lose the panties, too. First of all, it’ll drive him crazy to go halfway, and once he’s crazy he’ll either be unable to stop or resent you a bit for making him stop. Second, when a man gets attached to your breasts, you get attached to him. There’s science behind this: oxytocin, the same hormone that makes you love your infant even after the long, painful labor, also encourages bonding with your sexual partner. Look it up.
Don’t drink or do drugs with a guy because you think he’s cool and you’re just friends. It might be fun to relax sometimes, but really, when you let your guard down, anything can happen. And it usually isn’t good.
Do have fun with men your own age. As the age gap widens, his route to in-your-pants gets shorter. Older guys have had more time to practice their tricks, and don’t take this the wrong way, but they probably aren’t looking for anything long-term with you.
Do consider the reasons why you are or aren’t ready. Write them down. See if they’re still true tomorrow, in a week or only on Sundays.
Boys:
Don’t start trying to remove any pieces of clothing if you’ve been told you’ll have to stop somewhere. Better to practice your kissing skills.
Don’t even consider plying her with alcohol to get into bed. Remember that if she’s had a couple of drinks, you could be held responsible if she regrets it later.
Do stay sober enough that you don’t lose self-control. Also, consider that you sound stupider, your reflexes are slow, and your sensations are dulled when you’ve had too much.
Do realize that if you’re charming, you’re more likely to have sex with the girl when she’s ready. To this end, think of nice things to say — not pick-up lines, but what you might say just before getting between the sheets. You don’t want to still be operating on trialand- error when things are getting steamy.
Do consider whether you really want this girl to get attached to you. Once you’ve done the deed, it’ll be hard to get rid of her, even if you make her angry. Unless she’s mature enough to have sex just for the fun of having sex. And let’s be honest, if that’s the case, she probably doesn’t want to be having it with you.
