Lobo Louie not father of Lucy's litter

*April Fools’ disclaimer
April Fools’ comes once a year, fools.
Today’s paper is full of satire, nonsense and non sequiturs.
Read up, drink up, shut up, play hard.
For entertainment purposes only.*

This week, DNA paternity tests confirmed recent rumors that UNM mascot Lobo Louie is not the biological father of UNM mascot Lobo Lucy’s litter of pups.  

On February 22, Lucy gave birth to two male and four female pups in a cardboard box in the couple’s garage. Louie was by her side during the deliveries.

Rumors that Louie was not the father began swirling when an indecent photo of Lucy and University of Washington’s handsome, cocky mascot Harry the Husky surfaced on the Internet. The photo was allegedly taken at a Phi Kappa triple-kegger fraternity party near the UW campus in Seattle.

In an interview with the Daily Lobo, Louie claimed to be “shocked” and “taken aback” by the news. “I love her to death but this hurts to the core,” he said. “Even after all these dog-years, when she walks into a room my tail starts wagging.”

Reportedly, Louie has since moved out of their two-bedroom cave in the East Mountains to a friend’s doghouse in northeast Albuquerque. The friend said Louie has been howling uncontrollably at the moon and manically digging holes in the backyard.

Co-workers of Louie have noticed a change in his mood lately.

Student Graham Golden, a trombonist in the UNM marching band and an acquaintance of Louie, said, “Louie is always such a charismatic and energetic guy, so it’s hard seeing him so miserable. Like during last week’s practice at The Pit, he laid on the scorer’s table for five hours. Practice only lasted two hours.”

On March 26, Albuquerque Police were notified that Louie had mysteriously disappeared and was possibly suicidal. APD Sgt. Ricky Rodriguez said Louie was found wandering Central Avenue around 4 a.m. visibly drunk and slurring the lyrics to Richard Berry’s “Louie Louie” and The Beatles’ “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.” Louie resisted arrest so the officers were forced to use tasers.  Before being restrained, Louie apparently yelled, “Let’s get ready to rumble!”

Louie and Lucy met while attending UNM in the 1950s. Louie was a stand-out alpha and the first wolf in his pack to ever attend college. Lucy was a shy biology major from a small forest in Montana and worked as a receptionist in the Athletics Department. Louie described their first encounter as “love at first crotch sniff.”  They began dating shortly thereafter and have been “like two fangs in a carcass” ever since. When the couple became mascots for UNM, they made a decision to keep their personal and professional lives separate.  

“People have always asked us, ‘Are you dating?’ We’ve always had to dismiss those suspicions for professional reasons,” Louie said. “I’ll admit it’s tough sometimes. When (the Lobos) win, I just want to give her a great big sloppy lick.”  

A statement released late Wednesday by Lucy’s publicist said Louie and Lucy met early Tuesday morning at Los Altos Dog Park. They worked through difficult emotions over a bag of Beggin’ Strips.  Louie was seen playing ball and tug with the six pups as Lucy watched from the side with a smile.