*April Fools’ disclaimer
April Fools’ comes once a year, fools.
Today’s paper is full of satire, nonsense and non sequiturs.
Read up, drink up, shut up, play hard.
For entertainment purposes only.*
Mike Locksley fainted in disbelief when the NCAA announced results of a comprehensive review of the Lobos’ dismal season.
“OMG! OMG! OMG!” Locksley said, fanning himself. “I’m so happy, I could punch an assistant!”
All 11 of the losses the Lobos’ sustained this season were reviewed, and all 11 of the losses were overturned.
The Lobos technically ended their fall 2009 season 12-0.
Here’s why:
According to NCAA policy 13.5.6 section 8, Texas teams — and only Texas teams — are not allowed to celebrate after a victory. “Texas is a horrible, horrible place,” the policy reads, “so all Texas teams are forbidden from joy.” Jeffrey Williams, wide receiver, did a little jig after a 60-yard touchdown run, so Texas A&M forfeited.
San Diego State was forced to forfeit due to NCAA policy 5.3.1, which forbids spray-on tans.
NMSU would have retained its Rio Grande Rivalry win if it weren’t for defensive linebacker Charles Husky. According to NCAA policy 1, no player is allowed to defecate on the field.
Air Force lost the wind beneath its wings when the NCAA disqualified its win against the Lobos. According to policy 4.20, instituted by NCAA president-elect Jerry “Bleeding Heart” Garcia, no games may be won by “tools of The Man.”
The NCAA also stripped BYU of its win over the Lobos after officials discovered policy tablets buried in the Utah desert declaring wins of less than 10 points “immoral.” When asked to review the tablets, officials revised the margin to 15 points.
All of UNLV’s points during its game against the Lobos went unrecorded by the NCAA. According to NCAA policy 35.6.3 clause A, “What happens at Vegas, stays at Vegas.”
NCAA President Phil McCracken disqualified Wyoming before the Lobo game Oct. 10, because he had a really bad time at Yellowstone 17 years earlier.
And, finally, Utah’s appeal against the NCAA ruling that forced them to forfeit was unsuccessful. According to clause A in the second line of 55.41.17 bullet 14, Utah sucks.
