For the last four years I terrorized UNM through the Daily Lobo. But someone finally wised up, and so this paper is my last as a Lobo employee. However, don’t think you’re getting off easy.

Elizabeth Cleary is even crazier than I am, she just hides it better. Regardless, I have never been good at keeping my mouth shut, and I know half of you would be too happy if I left without imparting some final words of wisdom, in list form, of course.

If you ever get a chance to write the headline “Mothpocalypse,” take it. You will never get that chance again.

The men’s basketball season will always be the “best season” ever, and it will always break your heart in the most anti-climatic way possible. No last-minute shoot-outs. No close calls. Instead, we get a decent first-half followed by a sorry second-half, evidenced by the loss to Louisville this year and the loss to Washington two years ago. Additionally, you will always fall into the same trap, over and over again.

The administration consists of people, not shadowy figures from the nether regions of the fifth alternative universe, as everyone seems to think. I know it seems strange, but it’s a thing. Also, said people are like every other group on campus. Some are good.

Some are bad. There’s no way to stereotype them all, at least not fairly.

Never park on campus. You might think it’ll save you time for driving, but you’ll cruise for a half-hour just to find a spot, and then get a $50 ticket for the effort. On a side note, the meter maids are also humans, and they respond poorly to people shouting and foaming at the mouth like weird rabid dog/dragon hybrids, just like everyone else.

Though Loboweb promotes early registration, you’ll never be able to register early because of its inability to handle more than two users at a time. On a similar note, Webmail will never be functional despite any “upgrades” performed on the system.

Lobo Wi-Fi doesn’t actually exist. The servers at IT just renamed an elderly couple’s unsecured network Lobo Wi-Fi, which explains the lackluster connection.

On a similar note, one overpriced pet project (cough bike cough share cough cough, sneeze) deserves a mass of funding, but updates for outdated technologies necessary for UNM students to succeed in the real world are a passing concern.

Free food can make anyone forgive, and, more importantly, forget the errors of the past.

Open houses, particularly ones at the Daily Lobo, rock the house, and everyone should come to them.

Student Special Events takes their free drinks more seriously than any other organization on campus.

If you’re an English major, befriend Dee Dee Lopez. She’s a great adviser to help people who actually care about the language, and I don’t care what any whiners out there might say otherwise.

Conversely, Arts and Science advisement makes no sense. I thought I almost made sense of the process one time, but it turns out I was dreaming. You’re better off figuring the system out yourself or seeing your department adviser.

Always take intersession class.

Record every official conversation. Write down every official appointment. On that note, keep detailed records that would make a bureaucrat’s notes seem like a 5-year-old’s diary.

“Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose,” is the best quote to describe student government and politics in general. Google it.

On that note, anyone who can sit through a full ASUNM meeting deserves some form of medal. If that’s lacking, a slice of pepperoni and green chile pizza should suffice nicely.

Rational thought goes to die, but then gets mugged, spit on, and thrown into a sewer on the Daily Lobo comment boards. In contrast, kudos to the few commentators who continue to frequent the site’s message boards.

You can put as many Star Wars references in headlines as you want, but no one will notice them, and if they do, they are generally upset about it.

Everyone loves you when you’re dead.

Peter’s Laws, also known as “The Creed of the Sociopathic Obsessive Compulsive,” rule. Murphy’s law pales in comparison. And Robert’s Rules were created by Satan, Jeffery Dahmer, Stalin and Elizabeth Cleary.

If you work in the newspaper industry, you are always wrong, and even more so when you’re right.

Nothing good ever happens behind closed doors, and student fees always get raised when no one’s around.

Getting pepper sprayed isn’t as fun as it might sound. Always use milk to ease the burn, not water.

Despite the football team’s continued failure this season, other sports still manage to exist and do well. If you want to watch a team that wins, pay attention to the cross country teams, men’s soccer, the diving team, the skiing team and the track and field teams. These teams consistently make a name for themselves on the national level, and they could use your support.

The Bookstore is still the best place to buy books, and sell them back for that matter.

I don’t care what Lo Mejor says, the Times Square Deli is the best local restaurant. Frontier, I still love you though.

You will always offend someone, no matter how sensitive you try to be. On that note, the hardest things to say require the greatest courage because they matter the most.

And that’s all I got, Lobos. It’s been a blast, and I couldn’t have done it without my dedicated and slightly insane staff. They have to be crazy if they put up with me all year.

Moreover, I want to say thanks to a few of my favorite teachers:

Kathleen Washburn, Leslie Donovan, Stephen Benz, Gwyneth Doland and V.B. Price. I couldn’t have gotten here without you, so readers if you want someone to blame, track them down.

Travel well.