The University of New Mexico athletics department increased the football team’s budget to $50 million for the 2023-2024 year despite yet another disastrous season where they failed to beat even New Mexico State University in fall 2022.
Experts believe the budget increase was a result of NMSU beating the Lobos in the 2022 homecoming game after the rival team increased their training to up to two weeks a semester, according to an article written by Pistol Pete.
The football team has deemed it important to take funds from the women's basketball program which continues to lead the Mountain West conference season after season. The team will use the funds for massage beds, hot tubs, a Corvette for each player, a therapist and a buffet in the locker room, according to the football news website.
The massage beds were purchased to help the players relax their muscles after a weekend of partying and from carrying absolutely nothing at all this season. The hot tubs are especially important, as they’ll allow the players to soak in all their sorrow, according to the football news website.
The therapist was hired for the players’ mental health because they have been emotionally drained after they attempted to save Lobo Louie and Lobo Lucy’s relationship, which included using a portion of their budget to bribe Lucy to get back with him. The team believed the relationship was the foundation for the team’s luck, according to a TMZ press release.
The buffet was purchased so the team can bulk up to tackle their short school-day, according to the teams finance manager Swiper J. Fox.
Head coach Peak Ed Inhighschool advocated for the football players and defended the recent expenses.
“My boys are really sensitive, and I need to make sure I am supplying their every need. They need to eat and feel comfortable. As for the corvettes, how else would they make it to games?,” Inhighschool said.
Early in the year, Inhighschool decided that the team’s assigned bus was dangerous. He proceeded to sell the bus and used the profit to purchase a new wardrobe for himself. He also admitted to using the funds to pay off game officials so they would make calls in favor of the Lobos.
At the Boise State University v. UNM game, he took advantage of this to make it seem like their loss was by 10 points rather than 30.
“Yes, I take the money and they expect me to make calls on their side, but I can’t make calls if they aren’t doing anything,” an anonymous game official said.
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The athletics program at UNM has actually decided to cut other sports so they can focus on the well being of the football team. The players from sports like women’s soccer, baseball and basketball will be expected to fundraise for the football team.
Inhighschool will introduce a new method to better the team’s odds which involves recruiting “underdogs.” Fans can expect nothing from for the upcoming season in fall 2023.
Miyawni Curtis is a freelance reporter at the Daily Lobo. She can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter @MiyawniCurtis