The University of New Mexico Police Department announced during a press conference last week that its Small Arms Division, which was implemented last year, will expand to include a wider variety of animals that have itty bitty appendages and excellent hunting capabilities.
The new phase of expansion will bring in kangaroos, foxes and platypi to replace the Tyrannosaurus rex portion of the Small Arms Division, known as SAD.
The replacement follows last year’s T. rex stampede on campus, when Kappa Alpha Omegatron offered free belly rubs to the dinosaurs. The T. rexes began an all-out sprint to the fraternity, leaving a trail of destruction in their wake.
Ten students were trampled during the situation and, tragically, a student reported that his Subway meat-lover’s sandwich was snatched from his hands as the T. rexes ran by.
“The introduction of T. rexes to the police force was not our best move,” UNMPD Chief Ian Winterhalder said during a press conference. “When SAD began, UNMPD suggested that we essentially would’ve had the next ‘Jurassic Park’ here at UNM. We did not expect it to be that realistic.”
The T. rexes will now solely be tasked with undercover surveillance and stealth instead of patrolling, according to Winterhalder.
During the press conference, UNMPD put emphasis on a mob of new kangaroo officers, which the department refers to as “Kangar-officers.” This mob will be subject to the highest training requirements of all UNMPD employees.
“The kangaroos will be trained in karate, javelin throwing and nunchaku use,” Taylor Aaron-Johnson, head of SAD, said. “They can already jump over six feet high, their kicks are lethal and they’re great swimmers, so unless the perpetrator is Jason Momoa, we’re not too concerned that the kangaroos will have trouble apprehending a suspect.”
The largest marsupials on the planet, kangaroos are notorious for their speed, agility and the pouch on their belly where their young joeys stay warm — which can function as an excellent holster, according to UNMPD.
“I don’t know about you, but I personally do not want to be chased by a kangaroo that knows karate,” Aaron-Johnson said. “I hope this encourages students and anyone on campus to stay in line. If we don’t get you, the kangaroos will.”
When asked if another large animal will replace the T. rex task force, Winterhalder announced that jumbo unicorns may soon make an appearance on campus.
“Horses are boring, so we’re not really interested in bringing those back,” Winterhalder said. “We’re considering a wide variety of other animals to keep campus secure. A pterodactyl air defense team is still on the table as well.”
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The new members of SAD will arrive on campus in time for the upcoming fall semester.
Maria Fernandez is a beat reporter and photographer for the Daily Lobo. She can be reached at news@dailylobo.com or on X @dailylobo
