by Kevin McAbee
U-Wire
America needs some change. Therefore, I have decided to ask the government to allow me to send a manned spaceship directly into the sun.
It will be a joint effort with the Department of Homeland Defense to rid the United States of all "undesirables." Call it a cleansing if you will. I have already compiled the list of those who will be seized.
Carrot-Top - Is there a more annoying person on the planet than this joke of a spokesman? He can no longer be referred to as a comedian, because nausea is not an equivalent to laughter. He must have the marketing department of 1-800-CALL-ATT bound and gagged in a broom closet somewhere, because surely they don't think this guy actually sells anything other than birth control to red heads. However, he might just be the punch line in 1-800-CALL-ATT's joke on America. They did actually make us watch David Arquette before Carrot-Top.
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Mike Tyson - Only a combination of many blows to the head, time in prison and eating mass quantities of paint chips as a child could make a man this insane. Someone needs to forcibly remove him from the sport of boxing, because until then, fight promoters will continue to think that his fights are entertaining. As Tyson bites ears, gets pummeled in the ring and threatens to eat his opponents' children, America yearns for more. Isn't it great that sports figures are such wonderful role models?
Hillary Clinton - If riding coattails were a sport, Hillary would be the grand master. Sure, she has some accomplishments, but were it not for her husband's high status in the country, she would most certainly not be a U.S. Senator. Using Bill's power for her own exposure, Hillary had a plan from day one. Hillary stood by Bill only because a divorce is a bad political move. Too bad she couldn't get Bill to keep his snake in his pants or she might be president herself.
Anna Nicole Smith - Those who watch her new show actually become dumber. How can America reward a gold-digging airhead with her own television show? If "The Anna Nicole Show" is reality TV, then I don't want to be real anymore. This woman couldn't spell millionaire, yet after her billionaire sugar daddy died, she probably has enough money to pay all of our tuitions combined. At least her guidance counselor knew that any job that required more than getting naked was too much for her.
Jason Giambi - A larger traitor has never existed. He was one run away from leading the small market underdogs to an upset of the overpaid champs, and the next minute he was on the overpaid champs' roster. He left his brother, his teammates, his city and his dignity behind for a bigger contract. When a man known for his long hair and tattoos shows up at the press conference wearing a suit and a short haircut, you know he has sold his soul. Oh, another reason he left is because he couldn't handle the pressure of being a leader. Poor little baby wants daddy Steinbrenner to buy him a World Series ring like he bought Jeter and everyone else.
The North Carolina Legislature Budget crisis and no lottery - need I say more?
And finally, let me present those honorable mentions who only deserve a brief explanation.
Mathew Lesko (the guy in the question mark suit on television); Duke University (University of New Jersey South); Garth Brooks (for divorcing his wife and dating a cow named Trisha Yearwood); The Roadrunner (the stupid bird never gets caught by the ingenious coyote); Lance Bass (he wants to go to space, right?); anyone associated with American Idol; Barbara Streisand and Liza Minelli; any member of the audience of TRL (for the profuse screaming); The Kids in the Hall (for wasting good time on Comedy Central); Teletubbies; and The Loch Ness Monster (for not existing).
