In light of the recent onslaught of half-truths our government is feeding the American public to garner support for deplorably racist foreign policies against the good people of Iraq, I decided to watch "Revenge of the Cheerleaders" in a moment of denial.
I rented the movie because I found it in the horror section of the video store, sporting a pink cover, featuring a cheerleader in a compromising position. There was also an explosion in the background. It stars David Hasselhoff. I realized it right then and there -- I had found a movie so bad that it should be outlawed somewhere.
Watching the first three minutes indicated that the movie probably is outlawed in at least several OPEC nations. There are intense amounts of unnecessary skin.
The opening credits show our protagonist cheerleaders riding around in a convertible and taking off their shirts for no adequately explained reason. It dawned on me at this time that this was probably not a horror film. Just in case, I watched to see if any of the cheerleaders would become homicidally unstable.
None of the cheerleaders did this.
Though I wouldn't be surprised if a descent into violent madness is a fate for some of the actors.
Get content from The Daily Lobo delivered to your inbox
After the girls get to school they are greeted with applause, song and dance. The teenagers not involved in this spectacle, spend their time in tents, doing drugs and having sex with one another. Then, all the students cheer and rush to the building. This is Aloha High, set, ironically, somewhere in Southern California.
There's a plot somewhere in this film but it's hard to see through the unnecessary sex scenes and full frontal nudity. To the filmmaker's credit there's some male nudity too, but it doesn't occur nearly as often.
Each scene has some of the worst acting, writing, editing and camera-work I have ever seen. The movie's unfailing dedication to these motifs make it a stellar, unparalleled work. A couple scenes go above and beyond this standard and actually offend the audience with class issues.
The Plot
Basically, a developer wants to turn Aloha high into a shopping mall and attempts to merge Aloha with a lower-income technical school. When our cheerleaders find out about this they hatch a plan. With a fire extinguisher, they hold up a class full of smoking teachers and students for their drugs.
Everyone is holding, including the teachers. They take these drugs and put them in the spaghetti sauce that causes the school and the advisory board to descend into a food-fight and sex orgy.
If this is hard to follow it's not my fault.
This plan fails and it falls on the cheerleaders' shoulders to encourage their basketball team, through sexual motivation, to beat the technical school's basketball team. All of this and I still haven't mentioned the principal who bursts into flame while basting a turkey with urine in one of the first scenes.
In a surprising turn of good taste, David Haselhoff does little but prance around like a buffoon.
In other words -- yeah, though it be filled with David Haselhoff, "Revenge of the Cheerleaders," verily, is the most high among thine celluloids.
