by Dustin Habermann
Daily Lobo columnist
Every couple of months or so, someone sends me an e-mail that purports to explain the world of economics and politics through the model of two cows. While silly and mildly informative, it usually is unabashedly propaganda for capitalism, so I would like to re-write the model in a way I feel is more accurate.
Democratism
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You promise to help provide your neighbor with milk and beef but are blocked by Republicans and eventually must drop the bill. Your neighbor dies of starvation. Knowing you tried, you sleep well next to your intern.
Republicanism
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. OK, actually you have thousands of herds you inherited from Daddy and if given the slightest chance, you will use said herds to trample to death your freeloading neighbors. God bless America.
Green Party-ism
You have two cows. Incredible deliberation ensues as whether to kill the cows to prevent methane emissions or protect their inalienable rights as cows to live. Several people tie themselves to the cows to prevent slaughter and milking. Eventually the cows perish under the weight of zealous activists. Everyone starves.
Libertarianism
You have two cows. If anyone tells you what you should do with your cows, you scream at them for hours on end. You claim those who do not build herds don't deserve to live. No one votes for your cows.
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Constitution Party-ism
You have two cows, and those cows make use of their God-given right to bear arms and start their own militia.
Reaganomicism
You have two cows. You only feed the bigger one, knowing the calories will trickle down to the other cow. The other cow dies of starvation. Due to completely unrelated events, a rival farm closes down. You celebrate your economic savvy and triumphant farming ideology.
Clintonism
You have two cows but owe several trillion cows to other farms. You start an initiative to kill fewer cows and breed rampantly. Eventually, you balance your cow budget but get in trouble for sleeping with ambitious heifers.
Dubya-ism
You have two cows. This is a lot to keep track of. You and Anne Coulter eventually decide that you have four cows. Anyone who disagrees is a terrorist who hates America.
Socialism
You have two cows. All cows within the country are distributed equally among the citizens. This means you have three-quarters of a cow that you share with six of your neighbors on Wednesday. Everyone gets milk, but is forced to limit their beef intake.
Communism
You have two cows. Property is theft. You are executed for being an enemy of the revolution. The cows are sold on the black market and die in transit. No one eats.
Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull and try to build a herd of cows. A multinational cow corporation that can supply beef at half your price consistently undersells you. Undeterred, you try to produce milk.
By not joining the proper initiatives, you don't receive subsidies from the government, and the same cow corporation which gave you trouble to begin with undersells you by 75 percent. You take a second mortgage out on the farm to try to keep the dream alive, but sales are still non-existent.
A Republican is elected president, and small-business benefits disappear while the monster cow corporation gets billions in corporate welfare. Inflation rises astronomically, so your herd of cows is worth only two cows.
The cows realize the only way to build a future is to join the military. Some of your cows are killed in action, even though the mission is accomplished and major combat has been over for two years. Your other cows expatriate to Canada. Because beef is still improperly regulated in this country, 4,000 people, mostly children and the elderly, die of E. coli poisoning every year. You have nothing but your debt and your freedom.
Anarchism
You have two cows, and they look wicked awesome with excessive brands, Mohawks and extra nose-rings.
