by Steven Fernandez
Daily Lobo
A certain football owner needs to be permanently removed from the league, or we sports fans are all headed for certain doom.
This moron is solely responsible for orchestrating the worst draft in the history of sports.
And if that wasn't bad enough, this same pea-brained fool went on to make what is sure to go down as the dumbest trade this season.
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The owner? Yours truly.
Unfortunately, yes, I completely bombed the fantasy football draft in a keeper league I joined with a few buddies this year.
I'm not going to say exactly what I did, because my editors may be so dumbfounded that I would be forever removed from the newspaper business and forced into writing commercials for Taco Bell.
Seriously, I cry at night because of how awful those are.
Now I know the millions upon millions of this column's readers don't care about the bone-headed decisions I've made, so let me get to the point.
Thankfully for me, and many others who made disastrous fantasy picks or trades, there is still the NFL regular season. You know, real football.
As always, the anticipation for the NFL season to get under way was huge after long summer months of baseball highlights and not nearly enough scantily dressed cheerleaders jumping around on television.
As for the actual season itself, there is plenty to be excited about.
Of course, the Philadelphia Eagles are about to become the first NFL team to ever go 23-0, after the addition of Donte' Stallworth, who is so fast he can speed past any cornerback, do somersaults and pop up in time to catch the ball in stride for a touchdown.
I know the 23-0 record doesn't add up, but here's how the Eagles will get 23 victories:
In week 5 against Dallas, Eagle quarterback Donovan McNabb will roll out, juke Roy Williams out of his high heels, launch the ball off Terrell Owens' face while Owens is standing on the sideline, leading to Stallworth snagging the ball out of the air, and moonwalking into the end zone.
After that spectacular series of events, the NFL will be forced to hand Philadelphia an extra few wins.
I realize that was my 257th Dallas-hating reference in a column, but I have less tolerance for the Cowboys than Paris Hilton has for alcohol, so bear with me.
Anyway, there are plenty of other story lines to watch this season.
For instance, can the Colts really be as good without Edgerrin James?
I know they have a good offensive line, but it's not like Denver, where the Broncos can go into the stands, choose any fat slob who's washing down hot dog No. 12 with a Coors Light and still open enough holes for Fat Man to rush for 100 yards.
So with that said, the Colts will once again fall short of winning the Super Bowl, followed by Peyton Manning pouting so hard that his mouth turns inside out and begins eating his face.
The rest of the AFC is extremely hard to figure out. The defending Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers lost Jerome Bettis and Antwaan Randle El, and Ben Roethlisberger's health is an issue.
The Patriots' front office got so cocky, they decided to enter the season with a receiving corps so weak that I would actually be an improvement. I'm slow, I can't catch, any NFL equipment would be 10 sizes too large for me, and I still stick to that statement.
So, who does that leave to face the Eagles in the Super Bowl?
That would be Cincinnati. If the Bengals can keep just one-third of their starters out of prison - which is proving to be surprisingly hard thus far - then, really, they have the talent to win the AFC.
If not, I will still have the privilege of watching the Eagles win the Super Bowl while Drew Bledsoe retires to perform on "Dancing With the Stars."
