The following is a more honest rendition of President David Schmidly's Monday Morning Message.
Good morning.
I hope everyone had a pleasant weekend and is as excited as I am about the new semester. In these hard economic times, all of us will have to tighten our belts, but remember, we are a family at UNM, and when sacrifices need to be made, we in the administration will take the lead in making them.
As you have probably heard, despite the cost-cutting measures taken by my administration, the University will almost certainly be facing fiscal problems because of a decrease in funds from the Legislature. My administrative team will lead the way by working harder and forgoing large raises, but we must implement other measures to save money.
I am proud to announce that we have begun by putting the basketball coach and athletic director to work. As many of you have already seen, these busy men are taking on the extra duty of appearing in commercials on local television.
Our expert consultants have also recommended a number of easy steps to save money on the campus. We are planning to shut off lights in all our classroom buildings during the day, since inasmuch as it is daytime, electric lights are an unnecessary waste. We will also be saving by shutting down many of the superfluous bathrooms on the campus. We even have a catchy slogan for this campaign: "Go before you leave home." And we have formed a committee to look into shutting down some of the less productive departments in Arts and Sciences.
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The libraries will no longer be open at night, since not that many students use them, and it is in any case not safe to be on the campus after dark. Book acquisitions in the liberal arts will also be curtailed, since much of what these works say has already been said.
Finally, in the wake of a grueling brainstorming session recently held by my administrative team in Aspen, we have developed a novel and progressive way to raise money. We call it our version of "Pay to Play." Enthusiastic supporters who want to help the University while becoming a public part of the Academic Front will be able to receive considerations for their donations. Contribute, for example, a certain sum of money and earn the status of Honorary Faculty, making you eligible to attend Faculty Senate meetings and perhaps even teach a class. Donate more and become an Honorary Vice President and spend some office time in Scholes Hall. Or spend a night at University House.
In other news, the response to the centralization of all Student Services in one convenient location on the South Campus has been met with overwhelming approval by our students. There is also broad support in the University community for refurbishing Scholes Hall, which is, after all, the heart of the University and has not been redecorated in at least a decade.
I am also very excited to announce that given the incredible success of our initial strategic plan for the University, we have put together a select blue ribbon panel to begin work on a more comprehensive document, the University of New Mexico Thousand Year Plan.
I hope to see you all at the next Lobo basketball game when we can all cheer on the players from our different seating areas. I will, however, be forced to leave early for an important conference in Hawaii.
Have a good week.
David Schmidly
President of UNM
Richard M. Berthold is a retired professor of classical history at UNM. He is the author of Rhodes in the Hellenistic Age.
