Editor,
This is an open letter to David Harris, UNM executive vice president and former UNM interim, aka “acting” president:
Dear Dave,
Given the fiscal crisis at the University, I’ve been batting around some ideas about cost cutting and fundraising over the next year or two. To be sure, I’m not a financial wizard like you — I don’t think I could even imagine a scenario in which I could simultaneously collect both a salary and retirement benefits from the state of New Mexico (You’re a genius!) — but I hope you’ll at least give my ideas some consideration. Here goes:
— Sell naming rights to University President David Schmidly.
— Sell naming rights to the school (e.g., “Jamie’s University”)
— Lease drilling rights to the North Golf Course.
— Replace toilet paper in all restrooms with copies of Dick Peck’s golfing books.
— Urge faculty to sell online porn in lieu of giving them raises.
— Pin a meeting tax on everyone who calls one.
— Increase prices on everything in the Bookstore that isn’t a book.
— Hire only faculty who have advanced degrees from the University of Phoenix.
— Sell the soul of the University to Satan with an option to buy it back when the recession is over.
— Raffle off the English department.
— Sell the seats in University Stadium that have never been occupied.
— Charge faculty a “licensing fee” to teach their classes.
— Sell all the books in the library before they are available in digitized versions anyway.
— Metal detectors for loose change around the Duck Pond.
— Replace the police department with Hells Angels, like the Stones did at Altamont.
Let me know if any of these ideas result in a significant budget relief. If so, I hope you can find a way to give me a raise. I want to retire as soon as possible, so I need to increase my retirement benefits, but I really don’t want to double-dip like you have apparently had to do.
Gary Scharnhorst
UNM distinguished professor
