Editor,
A recent letter suggests that some students feel that the Daily Lobo is fascistic. Nothing could be further from the truth. Here’s a brief guide on how you can actually become fascist.
1. Find a charismatic leader. Every fascist group needs a charismatic leader to follow blindly to a brighter future. I nominate myself, because I’m awesome and always wear a sweet hat. Barring that, I think our country might benefit from being placed under the total and utter domination of Jack Trujillo, although if he ever finds out I wrote that, he’ll probably be horrified.
2. Stop being a campus newspaper. Fascists are required to eschew the weak and unnatural abomination that is rational thought and instead embrace glorious action. A university is the opposite of everything Mussolini and company stood for.
3. More racism on your website and in your paper, not less. If you want to follow the path of Franco, you’re going to have to start censoring nonracist comments and stop publishing editorials about “embracing diversity” or “giving peace a chance” and start writing about how the Lithuanians caused our current economic crisis and how 99 percent of Eskimos are criminals.
4. Organize a paramilitary militia to destroy the Democrats (people who believe in the Democratic system, not members of the pathetically ineffectual political party). The militia should be large, have a uniform consisting of brown or black shirts, and spend most of its time marching in lockstep and looking for communists, democrats and foreigners. When one is found, might I suggest forcing the subversive to drink gallons of castor oil? It’s a fascist classic.
5. Your economic policy is all wrong. You apparently just give your newspaper away. This is far closer to communism than to any recognizable form of the corporatism that is so near to every fascist’s black heart.
6. You appear to embrace democracy, reporting on the results of elections and debates as if the existence of such institutions were a good thing. If you want to be fascists, every article about an election should mock all of the candidates and call them weak and womanish. You should be constantly calling for military coups and taunting anyone who thinks that a popular election could ever produce an acceptable government.
7. Embrace war and conflict. Your paper shows a distinct “war is bad” bias, doing everything from quoting civilian death totals to printing editorials critical of the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan. This is the least fascist position possible. As a fascist organization, your goal would be to promote war with a stirring quote like “Blood alone moves the wheels of history” and inspiring stories of young men who grow up and become heroes in the glory of the trenches. Also, you would be required to constantly agitate for new wars, using scurrilous allegations and rampant xenophobia. Your current sober reporting of the facts could not be further removed from the glorification and reverence for war that is a requirement for every good fascist.
Lawrence Allen
Daily Lobo reader
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