A new year is beginning, which means that new complaints will be bubbling forth from every single person on campus, like the stench of yogurt left in dorm rooms.
The question, though, is what to complain about. Being something of a professional complainer, allow me to guide your whining:
The Heat
Everyone knows the heat is terrible. Everyone. Even that guy with the weird skin condition that makes it impossible to feel heat knows how effing hot it is, and that’s because everyone is complaining about it.
It’s a little-known fact that complaining about the heat actually cools the heat a billionth of a degree, so the more people complaining about the heat, the cooler it becomes. Or not, it certainly makes things seem a bit easier at least for me.
Actually, my friends have stopped talking to me because my only topic of conversation is, “Oh my god, have you realized how hot it is? No, seriously. I am melting. Look at me. My skin, it’s dripping off my bones,” for everything including funerals, birthday parties, anniversaries, baptisms and pretty much anything else.
Just remember not to get too fixated on whining about the heat because you’ll need to complain more about the cold when it sets in.
No more yellow cards
Everyone’s favorite slacker method of complaining to get into class has now been yanked from them. No longer can you saunter into a class and get in because you got dropped, missed the time to register or you’re just impulsively joining a class. Let’s be outraged about this. I am not sure why, but, yes, let’s do this.
If there’s anything I have found, it’s that the administration grants favors to students based solely on the amount of complaining they do. It’s not like they just close their doors to soundproofed rooms and then play computer solitaire for hours, because that would be irresponsible.
So, fellow students who complain about yellow cards, bring your own yellow paper if you have to. I am sure you can buy mounds of it at Kinko’s, and it’s a lot easier than taking personal responsibility for classes you missed, or accepting you have missed them like an adult.
Coming back to school
Ugh. School is just the worse, isn’t it, girlfriend!? And so, naturally, we should make sure that everyone knows how upset we are about coming back to school.
Those stupid professors trying to share knowledge with us — how dare they? Don’t they know we would rather be riding our wave runners and texting while driving and complaining about the heat? So let’s make sure everyone knows how annoying school is. Make sure to tell everyone that your summer break “wasn’t long enough” or “could have been longer.” Or maybe say that “it just doesn’t last,” or some variation on the standard answer.
This will do two things. One: By sheer force of will and magic, it will prolong summer instead of making its memory more bittersweet. Two: There’s a chance that if enough people say it that it will result in a flashy dance number reminiscent of High School Musical, which really seems appropriate considering Albuquerque’s sordid involvement in that whole affair.
The BP Oil Spill
Because complaining about the oil spill to your friends and to random individuals and nothing else will make BP clean it up faster, right?
Smokers
Those jerks are still smoking despite our best efforts to complain them out of their bad habits. Be sure to mention it to every smoker you meet how gross it is that they smoke, and you are personally offended by their life choices. In fact, you should do this for every unpleasant habit you run across, and then you can just complain it away. Gum chewing, obsessive compulsive disorders, someone’s unnaturally good looks can all be complained away. Try it. Trust me; it works.
