Sooner or later, you’ll find out that Oklahoma City is not a part of the Dust Bowl.
My reasons for going don’t matter, but let it be known that I didn’t go to see the cultural mecca that is Oklahoma City. Seriously, readers, I would never lie to you. All of you need to get yourselves to Oklahoma City as soon as possible.
It has everything a person would want in a modern city. Do you hate walking around during the afternoon, enjoying the buzz of Albuquerque streets? Does the sight of sidewalks make your blood simmer?
They sure make mine boil, and in Oklahoma City you don’t have to worry about such annoying conveniences. So generous were the city planners that they completely removed neighborhood sidewalks altogether. Seriously, why walk anywhere when you can drive there instead? Your legs are evolved for sitting — remember that.
And you, like me, must get tired of local culture. I mean, all these little voices speaking for themselves and presenting another face of a diverse community gets exhausting. What you really want is chain businesses — and lots of them. Wal-Mart, Walgreens, and malls galore — why do you need anything else? I mean, it’s so comforting to find the same place in any part of the city, am I right?
And all that local art! Oh my, I was just about overwhelmed. Albuquerque pales in comparison, obviously.
And chile, who needs that? It’s better to just to eat at McDonald’s. There you know what you’re getting every time.
Oh god, even I can’t do it anymore. They say you must be away from something to truly appreciate it, and I have seen the awful truth.
People of Albuquerque, while our government might be screwed come election time, our football team terrible, our children fat and drugged out, and our roads clogged with drunk drivers, we are, at least, better than Oklahoma City.
The air is dry; the streets are side-walked, and the businesses are diverse around every bend of the city (except for you, Rio Rancho, but you don’t count anyway).
And unless we support local business, we will turn into Oklahoma City, and no one, I repeat, no one wants that.
I shouldn’t even be having this discussion. I mean, who on Earth would rather have a burrito from McDonald’s when you could go to Perico’s, Bandido’s, Frontier, Winning’s, or any damn local shop along Central Avenue?
Every single one of them has them better burritos and food in general. I admit, I’ll hit up McDonald’s when pressed for time, but never again will I do such a thing if it means we will become like Oklahoma City.
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Go to the art galleries. Enjoy the local culture instead of just writing it off as weird or too bizarre, because if you don’t, we will become Oklahoma City.
A quick list of other things where our great city rules and Oklahoma City drools:
1. Oklahomans will run yellow lights, even reds, but they slow down immediately after. At least in Albuquerque people have the decency to drive fast after they almost kill you.
2. Our grid-like street structures make finding places a breeze.
3. Horses don’t roam our downtown streets, which mean you are 100 percent less likely to step in horseshit.
4. Tornados have yet to cross our city’s path.
5. Albuquerque is way a better name than “New Mexico City.”
6. Our University is actually in our most interesting city (Screw you Santa Fe, and while I’m at it, Las Cruces, too) instead of in titillating locales such as Stillwater, Okla., or Norman, Okla., (these are real city names) 45 minutes away.
7. We don’t live in middle America.
Readers, my point is simple.
Love this city because we could be so much worse off. And if I had it my way, I would be spending my time here during fall break instead of the flat, humid and spiritually dead Oklahoma City.
