The following is a work of satire from the editor of the local ‘zine, The Nightly Noodle Monthly. Expect future guest columns from Ms. Avenue, and, as always, the views reflected in this article do not represent the paper at large.
By now, we can all pretty much agree this whole police force thing isn’t really working out. Nobody trusts the police.
They shoot at anything that moves. They’re rude and sarcastic.
They don’t understand how to talk to people, and are generally unfit to handle the power bestowed upon them. They cause trouble wherever they go. They set people up to rip them up, and they’re not there when you need them, but show up when you commit the littlest benign infraction and make a big fucking deal about it.
They’re the type of people who had no real friends in high school because they were too racist and stupid to be taken seriously, or they where bullies because they couldn’t relate to the world around them in any constructive way.
The ones who joined the force to make a difference are few and far between and probably go on to get more esteemed jobs where their sense of compassion is more appreciated among their co-workers.
Isn’t it time we replace these cops with a cooler, slicker task force of super-people with emotional intelligence, an understanding of people, the ability to inspire reverence and devotion, and the ability to take control of any situation without resorting to immediate fatal violence?
You know, like an articulate ninja-shaman-best-friend-good-samaritan-zen-master-quick-as-a-fox-break-dancing-soul-master-genius-employee-of-the-month-gender-bending-man-of-the-hour everyday superhero.
In black.
Take, for instance, your garden-variety out-of-control disturbing-the-old-lady-next-door house party.
A member of the Super Force would show up, knock politely on the door and explain, plainly and calmly, that your octogenarian neighbor is trying to get a good night’s sleep so that she can walk her cats in the a.m.
So, “Hey, dudes, just try to maybe not vomit loudly in her azaleas and we can all just get along.”
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And because Super Force members are, like, really fucking cool, you’ll be excited he/she is there, and you’ll invite him/her to stay, and he/she totally will, telling a series of really rad stories about the time he/she went to Thailand and briefly married a Turkish goat from Illinois.
Contrast that with APD, which would blast open your living room wall with a dynamite-strapped squirrel grenade, shoot you in the knee on general principle, skin your girlfriend, wear her flesh as a kimono for Winter Ball and whistle “Good Day, Sunshine.”
Terrible, I know.
