Why is there fear of the job market among incoming students? There’s still a few jobs to be had in the harassment industry.
Start while you’re still a student, and you will get plenty to put on your résumé. Practice right here in the dorms by knocking on that dweeb’s door early in the morning, every third morning for three months, and then run right back to your room and take three deep, morning breaths.
If you’re too nerdy to have the guts for the above, fall back to more cyber-bullying, just like in junior high. Employ those computer skills you are learning at the college level to meet and exceed your own expectations. Thumb your nose at all of them simultaneously by thumbing your Smartphone keyboard. This is one sure way to show you are college material.
Then move up to hacking into the laptops of failed dates and leaving trojan guano so fertile it could only have come from the devil. Don’t worry: if the FBI catches you, they will just try to hire you. And even if you don’t get caught, you still have that leg up when you respond to the Daily Lobo ad for CIA “analysts.”
Around campus, why bother with slaving away at a pizza shop?
Play detective for money. You can get paid, so long as the target knows you are spying on them, taking their pictures, and being rudely obvious about it.
Cafés right by campus are a good start if your target is a regular, where you show up and sit at their table and make horrible comments about them to their partner, evening after evening.
Don’t forget to get out your grandfather’s SLR to take their picture; it makes a nice clacking-slapping sound. And a flash bulb exploding in their face is a good touch — all perfectly legal. And you make your hours.
Rest assured — it’s not gossip anymore: it’s disinformation to foil the enemy. Here, take a page out of the playbook of those religions that make it okay to slander every other religion, but condemn those who criticize their own.
And they pay good money to the right media outlet to achieve this, money that could be in your pocket if you approach said outlet with a clean-cut look and the temperament of a zombie.
Or if you’re a fan of subtlety, hire yourself out to one of the security companies that patrols parking lots by campus at night.
You sneak up incognito in an unmarked car, (unmarked because it is yours). You don’t even need a uniform (the company cannot afford to give you one). You pull up alongside a legit tenant of a slumlord’s property, and you zap them with a flash light. Their first thought will be that you are there to rob them.
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Isn’t that fun? You can always, for such paid gigs, have your manager explain the “need to be undercover, their are cars being stolen.”
Remember, these days it is harass or be harassed. So why not be the predator instead of the prey? One surefire way is to see if Homeland Security can pay you to play informant on Central Avenue right by campus, no commute needed.
In this case, you needn’t even buy your own uniform. Playing homeless is legit. There are always “Middle-Eastern looking” students walking across your gauntlet from Central to campus. You can practice on them whatever level of intimidation you want; they have no civil rights, or at least they don’t think they do.
In all such jobs, why bother with crossing the line from following to stalking, from sting to entrapment? After all, nobody is watching you; by definition of your job, you are the one doing the watching.
This is why it makes sense to start harassing. It helps us learn the tricks, then turn the tables by making a corresponding job proposal, say, to the credit card company that can’t block people’s path with noise pollution in the SUB. They pay you, you don’t pay them, by contracting to do collections from the beer-laden comfort of Lobo Village.
Whatever your job-doing harassment is, it’s a stepping stone to better paying jobs doing the same thing on graduation in one of the few remaining growth industries.
Just call it security.
