Blame China for American faults

Editor’s Note: This column is satire. Interpreting it in a
literal manner will be insulting for everyone involved.
Thank you.

My fellow Americans! Are you, like me, sick and tired of looking within our own borders for the cause of our economic downturn only to realize that the root of all our problems, including why our laundry doesn’t dry fast enough, can be traced to just one dirty country just a thousand miles from our shores?
China.

For starters, China is ripping us off big time via Walmart. The problem is not that I would die in winter if its prices weren’t so low. The problem is the Chinese work too hard. So we shouldn’t blame ourselves for not working hard enough to afford Target or even Kmart. Blame China for providing plenty of supplies. How dare they!

At this point some commie professor might say jobs don’t just acquire wings in this country and fly off to another, but that the problem is really American CEOs pushing their bottom line to make their own waistlines fatter. You haven’t seen a gremlin from China come in the dead of night and steal a job? I have, twice.

But the blame doesn’t belong to America, even though we are talking about American companies who outsource jobs and make massive profit for a select few. That can’t be.

The real fault is with China, a country that does not roll over and acquiesce to up-valuing their currency, those fiends.

Naturally we cannot reflect “realistically” our financial mess by devaluing the almighty dollar. That would be blasphemy.

As for that trade deficit with the Chinese, it couldn’t possibly be that we have not convinced the Chinese consumer to buy American. Give me a moment here to tell you what, specifically, the Chinese can buy that we make right here in America.
…
I’m sure there is something we make. I found it, weapons. How dare they make arms on their own!

So stop with this hullabaloo about them calling in the debt. I say, if they do then it’s time for war. We bomb China just once, and they will experience our superior weapons. In their weakened state they will rush to buy our awesome arms to protect themselves from a Russian invasion.

Till that time comes, don’t take anymore Tai Chi classes stateside. You want to reduce stress with Tai Chi when the biggest stressor is China? Have you no sense of patriotism? This is the only reason America is becoming the laughing stock of so many nations, not our rightful denunciation of evolution and this “global warming” thing.

Also, boycott all Chinese eateries. I know a lot of us go to Ho Ho’s because we are too poor to shell out more than $1.25 for a meal. But don’t do it, even if might you starve to death. China invades through our stomachs.

If your resolve fails, do not, on pain of death, tip the Chinese immigrants working there, who look and act like hard-working slaves. Every one of them is a spy, looking to steal nuclear secrets.

Forget what your business professor told you about the Chinese producing patents in numbers comparable to the U.S. You will be aiding and abetting the enemy.

And here another professor may protest my sound American logic and tell you that the horde of Chinese students on campus are good for our economy because a lot of them become CEOs in Silicon Valley and create many high-paying jobs or work for the CDC and keep our country safe.

Or this professor will tell you that the research he took credit for was really done by his Chinese TA. But who needs professors?

They’re all whiny liberals anyway.

Of course, all this has nothing to do with the fact that the Chinese have brown skin and that our All-American white folk are rather uncomfortable with a brown-skinned employer.

I, however, have a solution to all our problems.

Let’s send more CIA informants as ESL teachers to China. Not only will we have the satisfaction of getting Chinese money, but these agents will find more and more proof that China is to blame for every single American problem.