There is a big problem on campus. You have probably noticed this yourself, but skateboards abound on campus. They’re positively profligate. Some days it seems as if UNM has opened up a breeding program for these wooden monstrosities and their twisted slang-slinging masters.
The boards have taken over Zimmerman Plaza. The skaters have encamped by that bell-thing and are holding the stairs hostage. They chase down pedestrians in the street and hold them for ransom.
I’ve even resorted to carrying pocket change to pay them off.
This will not do. It cannot stand. I am therefore, immediately, without delay, petitioning UNM police to issue a campus-wide ban, but not on the boards or the skaters, because that is discriminatory.
And they’re not the problem anyway. It’s the wheels: the noisy, clacking, clanking, skid-making wheels, wheels that propel the skater into innocent pedestrians. So dangerous are the wheels that they have been classified as a type-two dangerous object by myself.
What I’m suggesting is putting checkpoints all over the campus; at every street and every corner, at every building and every class room. Skaters will be required to turn in their wheels at these checkpoints to armed security guards.
We must be careful that the skaters don’t try to skate around this ban. Skaters are sneaky individuals with silly hats and long hair.
They use words such as “gnarl.” Skaters can hide wheels and other illicit plastics under their hats. I have seen skaters hide wheels in their shoes.
The proper technique in dealing with this is to strip-search each and every one. Roving bands of police officers should be employed in checking the skater for hidden wheels.
The Fourth Amendment does not hold as much power as it used to, so if the skater has objections to being stripped in public a good, hard crack to the jaw and an “interfering with police business” charge can quickly quiet even the most obtuse belligerent.
Imagine how much more acceptable a skater will be when he stands on a flat, stationary board rather than on a moving one. The sad look in his eyes should be ignored. Remember that while it is not okay to hate a race, sexual orientation, or religion, but it is okay to hate a hobbyist.
In fact, there are a lot of groups on campus that I don’t like who do irritating things, such as smokers, protestors, bicyclists, administrators, the entire Athletics Department, teachers, CAPS, and the English Honors Society and chalkers too, now that I think about it.
Police should be stationed at every door on campus, and when delinquents of this sort approach they should be sent directly to an on-campus detention center complete with iron bars and jail-style food. There they can experience the disappointment one gets when eating government-issued cheese.
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I have a strong opinion about this and I want you to have it, too.
Skaters do not rule this campus. We rule this campus and as long as our opinions never differ we can share it with equality and equity and other E-Q words people mix up at an alarming rate.
