With the elections in November, I’ll do the expected thing and tell you who to vote for.
I have thoroughly studied all the possible Republican candidates and the current president, as well as the marginalized third party candidates, and thus have a better idea than you do about who would make a good next president.
I’m not being arrogant or snide, I am playing the odds. In a country where 65 percent of the citizens think the moon is closer than Cincinnati and the rest don’t think I just made that number up. The probability of being smarter than the average man is quite high.
So you should listen to me.
When you get into the voting booth, here’s what to do: Find the write-in box and write in yourself.
Do it. Do you seriously think anybody you vote for is more qualified than yourself?
I’ll explain. When we’re talking about democracy, it is important to remember that American democracy is not democracy at all. The United States has never been a democracy; rather, it is a republic.
The difference between a republic and a democracy is simple enough. In a democracy you vote on issues that are important to you, and in a republic you pay somebody to vote on issues that are important to you.
The republic system is based on the idea that the common folk are just too stupid to vote intelligently, and if they were allowed to vote, the country would be done for. So an elite class has to be put into place to represent the common people, but not necessarily follow the whims of the people.
This idea is flawed. Listening to the Republican debates and comparing their quotes to numerous websites, such as OverheardInNewYork, I see nothing that indicates the candidates are any smarter than anybody you could find on the streets.
You can even compare candidates to your friends: “You can always follow me on Tweeter,” Rick Perry recently told the press.
Because the elites are only elite in money, and not intelligence, I can only conclude that you would be just as good a president as any person we have to choose from.
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Starting today I am going to tell everybody I meet to write their name in as the 2012 presidential candidate.
Do you care about your country? If the answer is yes, you’re just as qualified as any of the candidates. You don’t have to have any good ideas about fixing the country, or any ideas at all. None of the other candidates do.
All you need to know is how to demonize your opponents and look good while doing it.
With all this in mind, you are ready to take the big chair. I’m sure you will do a great job continuing our fine tradition of declaring the country great and insisting that we need to go back to what made us great.
If everything that comes out of your mouth is nonsensical, your supporters will make sure to ignore it and declare you one of the smartest people in the political spectrum. And you will be. The others are troglodytic Washington wonder-worms content to feed on America’s flesh and blood.
And don’t worry about doing anything wrong, because Congress will make sure you can’t do anything anyway.
