I’m just going to come out and say it: football is the worst sport ever.
It’s tedious, slow-paced, overcommercialized — but what sport isn’t? — and dull. I might be able to put up with some of these for the sake of the strategy, but the NFL has banned all the interesting plays, such as the Fumblerooski anyway, so what’s the point?
Not that I’m totally opposed to football, but here’s some things that might make the sport more interesting:
—Fix the clock: Football is a favorite of advertisers because the game stops and starts so frequently that commercials can be jammed in anywhere a TV network pleases. Additionally, the game is paused every time an incomplete pass occurs, so that what would be an hour-long game is usually stretched for much longer.
I think a good way to ensure that the clock doesn’t stop is to fill the ball with high explosives, so that if it ever touches the ground, whoever is near it will suffer for their incompetence.
—Create new uniforms: American football evolved from rugby and association football, or soccer. If you take a quick glance at these two sports, you will be able to tell the difference between them and American football right away, because our players overpad themselves.
I’ve heard arguments that this makes death less likely, but head injuries more likely, and I have heard the uniforms with their large pads only prove that football is a very dangerous sport. Indeed, a quick look on the Internet shows that nine people die every year while playing football.
This is nonsense, of course. The game isn’t nearly violent enough. A change in the uniforms could very easily fix this. I suggest removing the helmet and adding large razor blades to the shoulder pads. Additionally, the players could be equipped with brass knuckles and encouraged to strike the other team.
—Construct course obstacles: These don’t have to be fancy. They could be anything from trapdoors to razor wire placed strategically by the other team. These could be painted green to better blend in with the field, and could be moved or changed during timeouts.
—Change the overtime rules: In my new system, the entire team, except the quarterbacks, will be sacrificed to the gods of football: Walter Camp, John Heisman and Mr. Everything. The quarterbacks will then be given a pistol and have to collect ammo randomly distributed around the field. Then they will have to fight a duel with each other to finally claim victory.
—Revoke the banned-substance policy: The NFL has one of the longest-running banned-substance policies in the country. Any player who tests positive is suspended. Instead, a cocktail of hallucinogenic substances, methamphetamines and stimulants should be given to the entire team before play. Steroid use should not just be condoned, but mandatory.
—Add killer robots: I miss the old “BattleBots” television show. Football would be much improved if each coach had personal control over a nasty, blade-bedecked, flame-throwing, walking tank to control anywhere past the 20-yard line.
Get content from The Daily Lobo delivered to your inbox
—Put more players on the field: Due to high casualty rates, it may be necessary to increase the number of players on the field from 11 to 27. Additionally, new players should be allowed to come onto the field during play with baseball bats and golf clubs to “encourage” their teammates.
Additionally, I think the end zone and goal posts should be on fire.
While these changes would undoubtedly improve the game, I don’t think petitions, appeals or protests will cause anything to change within the NFL. I think it is probably easier to create a new football league.
A cool name like the Laser Football Death League or The Gridiron of Doom Association could really help sell the idea.
Now, I can already hear people complaining that this would ruin football. But don’t kid yourself. You would watch it.
