Editor’s note: This essay ran in the online zine NightlyNoodleMonthly.com in response to the Sandy Hook shootings and the subsequent national gun control discourse.
opinion@dailylobo.com
A lot of people, from Kennedy to Reagan to Obama, have talked about nuclear disarmament, but to me it’s obvious that nuclear weapons don’t kill people — people kill people. A nuclear weapon is just an object designed to protect people. All we need to do is have better mental health screening, and then almost everyone in the world could own a nuclear weapon. Owning atomic bombs, hydrogen bombs, neutron bombs — even supplementary weapons like chemical and biological weapons — these are all people’s basic rights, protected by the Second Amendment. If a weapon exists, why shouldn’t people be able to own it? We have “the right to bear arms.” Why not nuclear arms?
I’m sure the Founding Fathers meant everyone, everywhere, had the right to own all arms that exist or ever could exist. Every kind.
The governments of the world have them, so why shouldn’t the people? What if we need to overthrow our tyrannical oppressors?
Won’t we need the strongest firepower imaginable? “The tree of liberty must be watered with the blood of tyrants,” right? We need to have the equipment to do that. Also, if nuclear weapons are outlawed, then people will make or buy them illegally, and then only outlaws will have nuclear weapons.
Nuclear weapons control won’t stop terrorists or rogue states from getting nuclear weapons, so we need to all have more nuclear weapons. The solution to the problem of nuclear weapons is more nuclear weapons. The best defense against a bad guy with nuclear weapons is a hundred good guys with nuclear weapons. And also, no pants. And singing saws. And bowls of macaroni. And paper hats made of road maps. And black holes where their faces should be.
And mouths full of confetti and broken glass. And a friendly baby deer. And the Holy Ghost. And hello! Hello! Hi! Hi there! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hi! Hi! Hi! OH GOD WHAT’S HAPPENING WHAT’S HAPPENING WHAT’S HAPPENING WHAT IS THIS WHAT IS THIS WHAT I, I, I WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT IS THIS NO NO NO NO the baby deer NO NO NO not this.
