Following complaints of delayed and missing campus emergency alerts, the latest cadence of LoboAlerts sent by the University of New Mexico Police Department has students rolling — though depending on who you ask, that could be either the disapproving kind or the laughing kind.
“I mean, come on: ‘RUN HIDE FIGHT. Jessica Simmons just walked into the SUB and her new Spring outfit is KILLING IT!’?” UNM student Cheese Louise said, reciting an email he received last week as the weather began to heat up and students began to dress down.
Louise had just been minding his business, eating a couple of Dion’s slices outside the Student Union Building, when he received the alert.
“So, of course, I skimmed it as fast as I could and as soon as my eyes read ‘SUB,’ I left my pizza and took off toward Johnson Center to try to sit tight somewhere safe,” Louise said.
Louise would not have been so upset at the wasted 505 slices if the alert hadn’t been for “something so insanely stupid,” he said.
One email sent out during Popejoy’s stint hosting “SIX: The Musical” warned of “six FIERCE ladies on campus ready to SMASH the patriarchy AND the monarchy.”
Another alert urged Lobo sports fans to tune into March Madness during the men’s basketball tournament.
“Prepare for a BRUTAL battle between BLOOD-THIRSTY ANIMALS and ANTIQUATED Spartan ‘warriors’ from the Great Lakes,” that LoboAlert reads.
A similar alert caught the eye of Batta Upp, a junior who had no idea the University had an active baseball team before a message landed in her inbox.
“I’ll be honest, it’s pretty hard not to have your interest piqued when UNMPD sends you an email saying we ‘CRUSHED the Rebels from Las Vegas WITHOUT MERCY,’” Upp said. “And they weren’t wrong about it, either.”
The most frequent of these new LoboAlerts, however, has to be for the Mercado burritos. Throughout the spring semester at an average of three times per day, the campus community receives an alert praising the flavor and value of the breakfast burritos sold at the Mercado on the first floor of the Student Union Building.
“GUYS THEY’RE UNDER FOUR DOLLARS CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS??? RUN to grab a Mercado breakfast burrito right now — nobody can HIDE from these deals. We won’t blame you if you FIGHT to get yourself one of these puppies while they’re still hot,” reads the LoboAlert, which has been copied and issued verbatim for the past month.
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It seems, though, that the new initiative may soon come to an end, much to the chagrin of a cadre of students who enjoyed a break from the monotony of boring emails landing in their Outlook inboxes.
“We are evaluating the content and frequency of recent LoboAlerts and creating new standards to reflect the priorities of the University,” UNM spokesperson Cardamom Clatter told the Daily Lobo on Friday. “In the meantime, alerts deemed important will be sent out as before — three hours late.”
Elliott Wood is a beat reporter and photographer for the Daily Lobo. They can be reached at news@dailylobo.com or on X @dailylobo
