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Satire

Stokes awards ‘Hunger Games’ title, living wage to victor

Gabriel Garcia | April 3

University of New Mexico President Garnett Stokes presented the first annual Hunger Games award to Cat Nuncmuert, a graduate student from the English department, on Sunday, April 2 on the third-floor balcony of Scholes Hall. “On behalf of the Board of Regents, we are pleased to officially name English graduate student Cat Nuncmuert as the winner of the first annual UNM Hunger Games. Cat has demonstrated what being a Lobo is truly about with her perseverance, service and astute thinking,” Stokes said.

Satire

Albuquerque Raising Cane's grand opening … in 2060

Elizabeth Secor | April 3

Raising Cane’s in Albuquerque opened its doors on March 28, 2060, twenty years after the planned opening. Those gathered outside waiting to taste the infamous chicken said this was the eighty second time they showed up for its grand opening. After the COVID-19 pandemic, the first mass destruction of the city caused by the roadrunner stampede and Dion's’ monopoly on all fast food restaurants, Cane’s had no other option but to delay their opening until now, according to Chick Fila, the only remaining employee and owner of the restaurant.

Satire

Lobo Louie bites child in divorce aftermath

Elizabeth Secor | April 3

The University of New Mexico’s mascot Lobo Louie bit a child in the middle of a rampage on Wednesday, March 29. Earlier that day, Lobo Louie and fellow mascot Lobo Lucy finalized their divorce which occurred after it was revealed that Lucy was involved in an affair with New Mexico State University's mascot Pistol Pete.

Satire

UNM football to do worse with more funding

Miyawni Curtis | April 3

The University of New Mexico athletics department increased the football team’s budget to $50 million for the 2023-2024 year despite yet another disastrous season where they failed to beat even New Mexico State University in fall 2022. Experts believe the budget increase was a result of New Mexico State University beating the Lobos in the 2022 homecoming game after NMSU increased their training to up to two weeks a semester, according to an article written by NMSU’s Pistol Pete.

Satire

Swans gentrify Duck Pond

Marcela Johnson | April 3

As the weather warms up, life returns to the University of New Mexico Duck Pond. This year, however, the Duck Pond faces a new and unwelcome guest: swans, moving in to increase the property value and force the ducks to find new homes. Since the beginning of spring, swans have slowly been taking over the Duck Pond, according to Jeremiah Clack, the old man who walks around the pond on Tuesday evenings. It started slow — an artisanal pea bistro opened by the waterfall — but it has sped up in recent months. This unfortunate situation hurts the ducks and the surrounding ecosystem.

Satire

Humanities labeled ‘technically STEM’ by UNM

Daily Lobo | April 3

On Friday, March 31, a group of students at the University of New Mexico gathered in protest outside the philosophy department offices after the University declared the college of arts and sciences officially part of Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics.

Satire

Blood in the streets: ROTC performs military coup

Maddie Pukite | April 3

This past week, the ROTC led a coup d'etat that resulted in the ousting of Garnett Stokes as the University of New Mexico’s president and the installation of a puppet government.The cadets seized power after learning that there was an oil reserve under Stokes's house. The former president was arrested immediately on the grounds of caring too much about the environment. University officials reportedly regret “caring too much for the environment,” in light of the coup.

Satire

Student on trial for collecting too many parking tickets

Annya Loya | April 3

Undergraduate Laura Driver from the University of New Mexico will stand trial for collecting nearly 500 parking citations thus far in the 2022-2023 academic year, amounting to $12,500, according to Karen Patton, the University of New Mexico’s Parking and Transportation Service public information officer.

Satire

Straight White Male Resource Center fosters community for group in need of it least

Addison Key | April 3

The Straight White Male Resource Center has worked faithfully to create a vibrant community at UNM focused on raising visibility and support for all straight white males on campus. The center is delighted to bring resources and community to all students who qualify to the specific straight, white and male constraints, according to the center’s president Jake Micheals. Micheals — former social media director of Sigma Chi, 2019 Wii Golf Intermediate Level Champion and the loudest man in your political science class — is interested in providing services that combat hateful environments on campus and protect the privacy of its members (men who are straight and white).

Satire

Fraternities sign non-hazing pledge (wink)

Miyawni Curtis | April 3

This past weekend, fraternities at the University of New Mexico gathered at a summit on Johnson Field to sign a non-hazing pledge. They vowed to hold each other accountable and never again subject initiates to the cruel and unusual punishments that come with joining their organizations (wink). The men participating in the on-campus frats gathered unsupervised to conduct a meeting to write and sign the pledge; a passerby reported hearing gales of laughter from the gathering group.

Satire

This film is a positive adjective, negative adjective exploration of noun

Maddie Pukite | April 3

This past week, a new film was released in location. The adjective film starred name, a nepotism baby, who was more adjective than expected. Though the film was negative adjective, it ultimately past verb my expectations.

Culture

NM Renaissance Celtic Festival celebrates a culture of history and fantasy

Henry Hammel | March 30

The second annual New Mexico Renaissance Celtic Festival was held this past weekend, March 24 to 26, at Wildlife West Nature Park in Edgewood NM. The event, which also hosted a variety of Celtic, medieval, viking and pirate-themed celebrations, included vendors, performers, cosplayers and more. Eric Vigil, who also produces the annual Pirate and Viking Summer Bash, created this event in part to celebrate the Scottish clans of those who live in New Mexico. This year’s Celtic celebrations included local dance performances from the McTeggart Irish Dancers and Highland Dancers of Albuquerque, as well as music performances by Albuquerque-based artists.

News

ABQ Biopark Zoo wants your old cell phones

Miyawni Curtis | March 30

This spring, the ABQ BioPark Zoo asked the community to donate any old cell phones and electronics to help save chimps and other wildlife, according to the city of Albuquerque website. The ABQ BioPark will send outdated and old technology to be recycled through ECO-CELL, a company that focuses on recycling electronics. This is part of the Association of Zoos and Aquariums’ initiative “Gorillas on the Line,” according to Patrick Horley, ABQ BioPark aquarist.

Culture

REVIEW: Lana Del Rey’s latest album is an affectionate work from the complicated artist

Addison Key | March 28

In Lana Del Rey’s new album, “Did you know that there’s a tunnel under Ocean Blvd,” released on March 24, she insists we are wrong about her. Del Rey embodies an attitude that succeeds in representing the violence and anxieties of girlhood, but fails to respond to her history of cultural appropriation. She fills 1 hour and 17 minutes with conflicted representations of family, memory and legacy. Her song “Grandfather please stand on the shoulders of my father while he’s deep-sea fishing,” the 11th song on the album, begins by confronting common claims about her manufactured identity into her lyricism: “I know they think that it took somebody else to make me beautiful … but they’re wrong.”

Culture

5 and Why: 5 ways to relieve stress after midterms

Maddie Pukite | March 27

As midterms wrap up and the semester progresses, many students may find themselves burnt out or exhausted. David Hernandez, a third-year vocal performance and international studies student at the University of New Mexico, gave his tips on how he takes time to relax and be present as the second half of the semester starts. Yoga Yoga is a spiritual and physical practice that can be meditative and offer peace of mind, along with being a way to stretch and care for your body. Recently getting back into practicing yoga, Hernandez said it gives him a reason to wake up early and de-stress before the day.

News

Pacheco and Chessman win ASUNM presidential and vice presidential elections

Elizabeth Secor | March 27

Krystah Pacheco won the Associated Students of the University of New Mexico president-elect and Mikenzie Chessman won vice president-elect during elections held from March 8 to 9 for the 2023-24 school year president and vice president term. Pacheco and Chessman ran together and were both number two on their respective ballots: Pacheco won the presidency by 296 votes and Chessman won the vice presidency by 281. Pacheco touched on what she thinks helped them reach students during the election. “I think going to student organization meetings and not just presenting what our campaign was, but really opening it up for feedback,” Pacheco said.

Small bin of radioactive waste at the Nuclear Engineering building at UNM 03_24_23.jpg

News

Senate Bill 53 blocks federal Nuclear waste storage facility in Southeast New Mexico

Gillian Barkhurst | March 27

Legislation that blocks the proposed construction of a storage facility for the nation’s nuclear waste in Southeast New Mexico passed into law Friday, March 17 at the New Mexico State Legislature. The bill, formally known as Senate Bill 53, was passed 35-28 and was signed into law by Governor Michelle Lujan Grisham the same day. The company Holtec International had planned to construct and operate the site that would have housed nuclear waste from commercial power plants around the United States, transported by railway into New Mexico. The bill states that no disposal facilities can be created without the state’s consent and creates a radioactive waste consultation task force to negotiate on behalf of the state on such issues with the federal goverment.

News

Local gallery partners with Domestic Violence Resource Center to raise funds

Annya Loya | March 27

Weems Gallery & Framing, a local art gallery, has partnered up with the Albuquerque Domestic Violence Resource Center to host a private fundraiser and raise funds to increase resources at the center. The event will take place in April, according to a press release. In the United States, almost 20 people are physically abused by their intimate partner every minute. In New Mexico, “37.6% of New Mexican women and 33.3% of New Mexican men experience intimate partner physical violence, intimate partner sexual violence and/or intimate partner stalking in their lifetimes,” according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

Opinion

OPINION: Isotopes unveil tasty new menu for upcoming season

Elizabeth Secor | March 27

The Albuquerque Isotopes unveiled their new concessions items for the upcoming 2023 season on Friday, March 24. Hungry fans can rest easy: almost everything sampled was a homerun. The executive chef of the ballpark, Jim Griego, crafted these new food creations; his inspiration came from wanting to give fans variety. “I wanted fans to feel like when they came to the park, there was choices. There were not just, a hot dog or a hamburger,” Griego said. “I wanted them to feel like they could come here and have a food destination.”

Sports

Bull riding stampedes into The Pit

Thomas Bulger | March 27

The most dangerous 8 seconds in sports came to Albuquerque with the Ty Murray Invitational as part of the Professional Bull Riding "Unleash The Beast" tour. It was a near sold out crowd all three days of the event. In PBR riders have to stay on their bull for 8 seconds to receive a score. If the rider is able to do so he receives a score for how well he rode out of 50. The bull also receives a score out of 50 depending on how hard they bucked. These scores are added together for the ride's total score.