by James Stambaugh
Daily Lobo columnist
I know how to make gasoline prices plummet. They've hit record highs on a regular basis for months now, but there is a way to get them under control.
One rainy day, I was standing at the gas pump, grumbling softly to myself, when I had an epiphany. Contrary to what you might think, the government has never asked for my opinion about anything, and the last time I phoned the White House with an idea, they put my name on some watch list, so I have decided to leave the government out of this one and share my wonderful plan with you, the people.
How, you might be asking, do I propose to bring gas prices down? It's simple. I think that anyone who does not support the war on Iraq should not be allowed to get any gas. That way us war-mongering conservatives can get as much gas as we need and you peace-loving hippies can walk.
It makes sense. Anyone who doesn't support the war shouldn't get the bounty of the war. That seems fair, doesn't it?
Besides, walking and riding bicycles is good for the environment, right? Well, since you liberal types are the only ones who care whether our world turns into an uninhabitable wasteland, I think you should take the bulk of the responsibility for it.
This is only the beginning of my plan. Next, I think all of us sensible conservatives should be rewarded for years of faithful thriftiness and for having our priorities in the right place and we should all get ourselves Hummers. That way, we can purchase 40 or 50 gallons of gas at a time every other day and make sure that none of those dinky cars with old, peeling John Kerry stickers can get anywhere near the gas pumps.
This is the most sensible solution - a perfect blend of fascist ideals with a democratic republican society.
Another perk of driving a Hummer is that we conflict-supporters can e-mail our soldier friends in Iraq and Afghanistan and brag about how our Hummers come with CD players and powder blue metallic paint jobs and the only amenities they have on their Hummers are old pieces of scrap metal.
What a laugh.
Get content from The Daily Lobo delivered to your inbox
I mean, as owners of $50,000 sport utility tanks, it's not our fault that our troops overseas are underequipped. If you liberals never take personal responsibility for anything and always blame all your woes on George Bush, why should we take any responsibility? Personally, I blame everything on Howard Dean.
But when you pinko hippies are walking down the sidewalk, you'll only have yourselves to blame. And me, I guess. But there's still time to jump on the bandwagon, abandon your treacherous ways and get a Hummer. Uncle Sam needs you.
As if it wasn't apparent, the beauty of my foolproof plan is that it can be expanded right along with America's expanding military and political ambitions. As our interests grow overseas and more countries are forced to surrender to the liberating freedom of democracy, life will only get harder back at home for those who disagree with our actions.
That's right, if you don't support the invasion of Iran, don't think for one second that you'll get any Persian rugs. And if you don't want us to attack Syria, then you're not getting any, um, well, sand. And all you people who protest against American imperialism, when we conquer Turkey you're not getting any falafel.
You see, I don't understand why the American people have to endure horrible gas prices and other inconveniences, or why Congress must spend hours and tax dollars sitting around and wondering what to do about it. If any one of the senators and congressmen had the good sense and practical problem-solving skills that I do, just think what our country would be like.
On second thought, don't think. It's bad for you.
