How to have fun at home

by John Bear

Daily Lobo

Spring Break will rear its ugly head a few short days from now. I am going to use the time to get a lot of things done - that screenplay, some house cleaning, read A Million Little Pieces and study for those two math classes I am failing.

But in all seriousness, I am going to see how long it takes my ass to grow roots. That's right. All good intentions notwithstanding, I ain't doing a damn thing.

Join me, aspiring couch potato, as I raise doing nothing to God-like status.

First of all, don't drink or do drugs. That's cheating and makes things too easy. Imagination is the only dope you need.

For an appetizer, may I suggest renting the entire series of "The Sopranos." The sixth season premieres Sunday, and if you haven't watched the show before, you need to catch up. Trust me, when the books are opened at the end of this human experiment, "The Sopranos" will be one of the few notable accomplishments listed.

Other than this show, civilization has been a deplorable waste of time. So don't miss out. By the way, the new season isn't on regular television, so go find someone with cable and make nice.

While you are doing this, you can conduct disgusting food experiments. Gather up all those boxed meals, canned goods and various crap you bought and will never use, and construct new, terrifying culinary delights. For example, one box of potatoes au gratin plus one can of peas plus whatever freezer-burned mystery meat you have lying around equals ghetto goulash.

If you are feeling extra bold, may I suggest the dish that carried me throughout that hazy period between 1998 and sometime last month - cheesy Ramen. Cook two packages of Ramen Noodles without using the seasoning. When they are almost done, crack two or three eggs into the pot. Then drain off the liquid. Now add the seasoning, cheese of your choice and some ranch dressing if desired. Stir well, then eat out of a coffee can. Now stare at yourself in the mirror and loathe.

Now that every dish in the kitchen is dirty - don't you dare even think about washing those. Let your roommates do it - it is time to get on the Internet. Hopefully, you have access. Spend about three or four hours downloading obscure crap. "Come Sail Away" would be a good place to start. It will be funny when I get the paperwork in the mail telling me I am being sued by Styx.

Once you're done stealing music and pornography, you can join the legions of laptop-equipped cretins making electronic music. And it's all free. Music programs such as Reason and Fruity Loops can be downloaded in their demo versions completely free of charge. It takes no talent, just a little patience and a lot of time. After you get the basics down, you can make anything from hip-hop to high-energy dance music. The possibilities are endless.

It is probably pretty late in the day by now. If you live in the student ghetto, no doubt there are morons screaming "Dude, I am so wasted. Party. Whoo," outside your bedroom window. You don't have to put up with this nonsense. Become your own neighborhood Saddam. Shut the revelers down. Nothing in this universe is more beautiful than the look on a drunken person's face when blue-clad men with guns are telling them to put a sock in it. You have the power to create silence. Use it.

But the night is not over yet. When you rent "The Sopranos," be sure to select a few obscure movies from the 49-cent section. More than likely, the films will suck, but there is always a diamond in a pile of horseshit. While you watch these forgotten features, call all the people in your phone you haven't spoken to in some time. All those exes, one-time dates and idiots you met at a party or bar. Don't be creepy. Ask stupid questions. Snicker often.

This should get you off to a good start. Remember, you don't have to leave the house to have a good time. Good luck.