Blood in the streets: ROTC performs military coup

This past week, the ROTC led a coup d'etat that resulted in the ousting of Garnett Stokes as the University of New Mexico’s president and the installation of a puppet government. The cadets seized power after learning that there was an oil reserve under Stokes's house.

The former president was arrested immediately on the grounds of caring too much about the environment. University officials reportedly regret “caring for the environment,” in light of the coup. 

The takeover was aided significantly by the efforts of the CIA.

“We saw little potential, but it seemed like a good use of money,” The CIA wrote in a statement. “I can’t believe they pulled it off. These kids have a bright future.”

This partnership had been years in the making, though initially by mistake, when ROTC Marine commander Mat Hayden thought he had been in correspondence with the Crayola Incorporated Association and not the Central Intelligence Agency.

“We honestly thought we were getting crayons, but then lots of guns and bombs came,” Hayden said. “So that was fun, if disappointing.”

Lobo Louie was the first casualty in the takeover, whose head was promptly lifted on a stake. This caused an intense deliberation amongst cadets about what to do for a new mascot, Hayden said. The new mascot, featured on their new flag, depicts Louie’s decapitated head with blood dripping down and features text that reads “ROTC rules.”

We pulled an all nighter to design this,” Hayden said. “After taking control of Stokes’ house, we have all the crayons we need.”

The cadets have no plans for the future ruling structure, although they have already changed the name of Johnson Gym to “Fart Chairforce.” They have already placed the order for the neon letters, and are too proud to order an O to replace the A, according to a recent press release.

“We got power. That was really our plan. Now we continue to have power. We really accomplished a lot,” Hayden said. “In the program, we only learn about war. So we did war. We won war.”

The coup has spurred minimal backlash from the local population, as students have noticed no real change in the college environment, leaving them to wonder if ROTC cadets really do anything at all.

Maddie Pukite is the managing editor at the Daily Lobo. They can be contacted at managingeditor@dailylobo.com or on Twitter @maddogpukite