Break out the candy conversation hearts with psychotic, goopy sayings -- that day of love, flowers and machine guns is upon us.
That's right, Valentine's Day is rearing its sickly little head. Break out a cigarette and let the activities commence. Sadly, these activities put most of us in one of two categories: in love or not in love. Those in love will be buying boxes of chocolates and offering tokens of affection to their significant others, and those not in love will be bitter and throw gummy heart missiles at those who look like they might be even remotely happy.
Those who are bitter, though, should put their cynicism to constructive use and jump on the wild irony ride. This Valentine's Day also marks the 74th anniversary of the St. Valentine's Day Massacre.
What is the St. Valentine's Day Massacre? Why, it was the day that the infamous 1920s Chicago gangster Al Capone and his trusted hit man "Machine Gun" McGurn sent a team of gangsters to kill bootlegger Bugs Moran. Although the hit on Moran was unsuccessful since he wasn't actually there, the team did end up viciously murdering seven men.
According to Court TV's Web site, the team dressed up like policemen staging a raid after having a bootlegger lure the Moran gang to a garage to buy whiskey. McGurn's men were waiting around, then spotted a man who looked like Bugs Moran and they headed over to the garage in their stolen police car.
After going into the garage, McGurn's team found seven men.
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"The bootleggers, caught in the act, did what they were told: they lined up against the wall obediently," the Web site states. "The four assassins took the bootleggers' guns and opened fire with two machine guns, a sawed-off shotgun and a .45. The men slumped to the floor dead, except for Frank Gusenberg, who was still breathing."
This was the event that shot Capone into instant fame and notoriety, catching the eye of President Herbert Hoover, who basically demanded the gangster's head. Of course, we all know the rest of the story. Capone is hunted by Eliot Ness, Ness fails and the U.S. Taxation and Revenue Department eventually nails Capone on tax evasion.
Yet another historical irony for the people, as Benjamin Franklin said, "Nothing in life is certain except death and taxes."
Nothing like being brutally murdered with your own machine guns on Valentine's Day, eh? Then, of course, you have the Catholic saints named Valentine or Valentinus who were martyred.
According to 123holiday.net, one legend says that Valentine was a priest in third-century Rome who gave a metaphorical middle finger to then-Emperor Claudius II by disobeying his decree that outlawed marriage for young men or, as the Web site puts it, "his crop of potential soldiers."
Thus, as things tended to happen in Rome, Valentine was executed. The site says that other stories suggest Valentine may have been killed for attempting to help Christians escape harsh Roman prisons. Keeping these facts in mind, I must ask, what's a holiday without a martyring anyway? After all, the crucifixion and chocolate bunnies make Easter a blast.
So, I say we follow the historical spirit of Valentine's Day and begin marketing candy machine guns and blood-soaked teddy bears. And for all you lovers out there, keep this Jules Renard quote in mind as you frolic in your chocolate-filled wonder: "Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties."
