Satire - The Daily Lobo

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LoboAlert system becomes too responsive

Elliott Wood | March 31

Following complaints of delayed and missing campus emergency alerts, the latest cadence of LoboAlerts sent by the University of New Mexico Police Department has students rolling — though depending on who you ask, that could be either the disapproving kind or the laughing kind. “I mean, come on: ‘RUN, HIDE, FIGHT: Jessica Simmons just walked into the SUB and her new Spring outfit is KILLING IT’?” UNM student Cheese Louise said, reciting an email he received last week when the weather began to heat up and students began to dress down.

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Culture editor wins Daily Lobo Fight Night Championship

Addison Fulton | March 31

Prize-fighter and Daily Lobo culture editor Addison Fulton recently claimed another victory in the Daily Lobo office’s weekly fight. The student paper hosts a Fight Night each week to build community and foster a sense of shared trauma, which every newsroom needs. The winner of the fight receives a commemorative belt and extra designated space in the newspaper for their articles. The fights have only one rule: The last one standing gets to decide what goes on the front page. The fights started at the end of last semester, when Fulton beat sports editor Rodney Prunty in the first-ever Fight Night, establishing a tradition that is expected to last centuries. The inspiration came from Fulton’s claim that hitting a baseball isn’t that hard, to which Prunty took offense. This started a feud between the two, prompting Fulton to initiate the first attack.

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Redefining excellence: UNM Athletics boasts record-high GPA of 0.02

Izabella Kubiak-Reseigh | March 31

The University of New Mexico’s student-athletes have redefined what it means to excel by earning a historically high average GPA of 0.02 for the fall 2024 semester. In what some are calling “academic innovation” and others are calling “a cry for help,” the UNM Athletics Department now holds the distinction of having the highest team GPA in school history — and possibly the country. When asked about the stunning figure, UNM Athletics Director Joe Sport declined to comment. A spokesperson later clarified he was “still processing the math.”

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UNMPD to expand ‘Small Arms Division’ following T. rex stampede

Maria Fernandez | March 31

The University of New Mexico Police Department announced during a press conference last week that its Small Arms Division, which was implemented last year, will expand to include a wider variety of animals that have itty bitty appendages and excellent hunting capabilities. The new phase of expansion will bring in kangaroos, foxes and platypi to replace the Tyrannosaurus rex portion of the Small Arms Division, known as SAD. The replacement follows last year’s T. rex stampede on campus when Kappa Alpha Omegatron’s offer of free belly rubs to the dinosaurs. The T. rexes began an all-out sprint to the fraternity, leaving a trail of destruction in their wake.

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UNM establishes Department of Gaslighting Studies

Shin Thant Hlaing | March 31

The University of New Mexico recently unveiled a Department of Gaslighting as an extension of the film department. “Gaslighting is a soft skill that allows learners to reshape the realities of those around them,” you literally said two weeks ago. “We offer courses that allow students to malignly influence behavior and decision-making, and adjust the strength of an actor’s convictions.” It will also allow more students to double-major, given that students may already have high levels of proficiency in gaslighting studies, according to department director Aimarid Yorre-Maum.

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Southwest Film Center to show YOUR nightmares, with director commentary

Addison Fulton | March 31

During the month of April, the University of New Mexico Southwest Film Center will publicly screen the nightmarish scenes you see in your mind every time you close your eyes. The screenings will be accompanied by a Q&A session with the director — an unnamed white man with a salt-and-pepper beard, an ill-fitting blazer and bright orange suede shoes. Starting with a classic, the SWFC is currently airing that nightmare you had as a child where all of your teeth fell out. It started with just one tooth in the morning, standing in front of the mirror getting ready for school. You were almost proud; you could see a quarter in your future. But then they kept dropping. One fell to the floor when you twisted the door handle. Another in the car. More, on the playground. One on the timed multiplication test you knew you were failing.

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Daily Lobo accepts eggs in exchange for positive news coverage

Dannely Verduzco | March 31

At the Daily Lobo, we encourage the community at the University of New Mexico to donate valuable assets — including eggs and more eggs! In exchange for positive coverage, students and faculty members can bring us eggs. One egg equals one marvelous quote in a Daily Lobo article, subject to change depending on the price of eggs at transaction. Eck Carton, a freshman at the University of New Mexico, said the arrangement has worked out in his favor. “I’ve exchanged about 10 dozen eggs so far. I think the quotes are helping me reach stardom,” Carton said. “They should rename the Daily Lobo to the Daily Eck.”

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‘RUN, HIDE, FIGHT’: UNM investigates mysterious surge in pie theft

Jaden McKelvey-Francis | March 31

A recent spike in reported pie theft on the University of New Mexico campus has led the UNM Police Department to launch an investigation. UNMPD stated that it has received 71 total reports of grand theft à la mode. Pies of all varieties are mysteriously vanishing after being left unattended. One student reported a pie disappearing directly out of their own hands. Lemmy Meringue, a student who has had multiple pies stolen out of her dorm room kitchen, told the Daily Lobo about her experience.

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Lobos win first-ever chain-smoking championship

Jaden McKelvey-Francis | March 31

Last week, the University of New Mexico Lobos took home first place overall at the first-ever collegiate chain-smoking competition. The competition included events such as the fastest smoker to finish one, five or 10 cigarettes. Endurance-focused events included the most cigarettes finished in five, 10 and 15 minutes. The school that performed the best in all the events was awarded first place. Marl Boro, the star smoker for the Lobos, managed to win first place in both 10- and 15-minute events. She managed to smoke 217 and 302 cigarettes in 10 and 15 minutes, respectively.

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Hitting a baseball isn't that hard, study shows

Maria Fernandez and Elizabeth Bolke | March 31

A recent study co-published by the Base Mcball Institute and the University of New Mexico has found that anyone can hit a baseball, and it really isn’t that hard. The mechanics of the sport require hand-eye coordination, aim and correct form to send a baseball flying, according to the study. But if that’s true, why can’t everyone do it? If a person can’t hit a baseball, it’s probably because they aren’t trying hard enough, according to experts. The study quickly went viral on social media and has garnered various responses, ranging from players defending the sport and their own abilities to those who believe the study is completely accurate.

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Lobo Louie and Lobo Lucy: Siblings or dating?

Karina Bolaños and Lily Alexander | April 2

A question has long plagued University of New Mexico students and they have been left in the dark to wonder: are beloved mascots Lobo Louie and Lobo Lucy siblings or dating? Two Daily Lobo editors teamed up to get to the bottom of the mystery, calling upon multiple eyewitnesses and combing through historical documents. Despite the University’s insistence that Louie and Lucy are siblings, mounting evidence points to their romantic involvement. Photographic evidence from a decade ago caught Louie and Lucy kissing in the Student Union Building. Witness of the kiss, Faye Kerr speculated it marked the beginning of their relationship.

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New bus driver Ms. Frizzle put on leave due to horrifying adventure

Nate Bernard | April 1

If you’re cruising on down University, relaxing and feeling good, you might have been lucky enough to spot the University of New Mexico’s newest shuttle bus driver, Valerie Frizzle, known locally as Ms. Frizzle. Frizzle, although just recently hired, has also been put on temporary leave due to misconduct related to “adventuring.” Her employment at UNM has been questioned in less than a week since her hiring on Tuesday, March 26. Frizzle is a former elementary school science teacher who was searching for a career change. When the opportunity arose, she decided to begin driving shuttle buses for UNM, Frizzle said.

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UNMPD announces ‘Small Arms Division’: New animal task force comprised of T. rexes

Maria Fernandez | April 1

The University of New Mexico Police Department announced at a press conference on Wednesday, March 27 that they will expand the animal police force to include a pack of Tyrannosaurus rexes. T. rexes are known for their speed, agility and smarts. Their inherent sense for sniffing out blood will be utilized on the job. It will also be expanded to detect various paraphernalia and explosives, UNMPD Chief Ian Winterhalder said. The dinosaurs are capable of running at an impressive 12 miles per hour, faster than 90% of the current police force, according to UNMPD’s website.

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STEM in the sky, humanities in the hollows

Shin Thant Hlaing | April 1

The University of New Mexico has unveiled a new infrastructure plan in which Science Technology Engineering and Math (STEM) buildings will float a mile above ground and humanities buildings will be relocated to underground tunnels to shield students from the STEM jet flames. “STEM subjects are the future and we need to show our support for our STEM students by giving them an educational experience with state of the art technology: jetpacks,” UNM President Garnett Stokes said. ”We must also, as the flagship university of the state, demonstrate a decisive superiority over New Mexico State University.”

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Opinion: Football is too complicated and I don’t like it

Shin Thant Hlaing | April 1

After years of analysis (I watched a 30-minute video of NFL highlights), I’ve come to the conclusion that football is too complicated and I don’t like it. There, I said it – this is a fully legitimate expert opinion. I actually would’ve made it to the big leagues if it weren’t for my knee injury. First of all, being able to enjoy the game is entirely dependent on an understanding of the imperial measurement system, which most of the world no longer uses. Well, that and beer consumption. And a bowl of nachos.

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UNM sorority hosts fight club for rush season

Addison Fulton | April 1

“I will rip those stupid fake highlights clean out of your skull. Anyways, see you tomorrow night sister, xoxoxo,” Ashleigh Damon wrote in a text message to sorority sister Kayleigh Smith that was leaked to the Daily Lobo. Smith is just one of many students preparing to make the most out of their ...

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LoboAlerts fails to warn UNM students of impending doom

Addison Fulton | April 1

Another Rapture caught many students off guard when the LoboAlerts warning system failed to go off in a timely manner, causing many to be stuck in apocalyptic situations. “When I saw that the sky had turned dark and hordes of locusts were emerging from everywhere, I thought to myself, it would have been nice to know about this an hour ago,” Hellen Fyre, a University of New Mexico junior, said. Fyre, like many students, was disappointed by the lateness of the LoboAlert, which should warn students before they go into potentially hazardous conditions, such as hellfire erupting from the ground, she said.

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UNM provides new grad student housing … underground

Sadie Hopkins | April 1

The University of New Mexico has released plans for a new solution to affordable housing for graduate students off campus – underground tunnels. Recently, graduate students at UNM have voiced concerns about a lack of student housing. Anita Knapp, a representative for the United Graduate Workers of UNM, said that the uncertainty of housing has made her experience in graduate work strange and difficult. “I’ve been living off of medical experiments for three months, so I could move into the tunnels, but I have since started to grow purple hair and extra appendages,” Knapp said.

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SHAC opens retirement center to accommodate wait times

Maddie Pukite | April 1

The average age of students on campus is increasing to 190, meanwhile, Student Health and Counseling wait times are increasing as well. To accommodate the wait, SHAC opened retirement centers last Friday for students and has allegedly started an experimental drug trial in hopes of finding an anti-aging property. The issue began on April 3, 2023 when four students all entered the waiting room at the same time for sprained ankles. Maria Barker, an injured student, said all hell broke loose when a box of a thousand unidentifiable tablet-sized medications fell off a shelf.

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A million dollars worth of Pistol Pete art found

Marcela Johnson | April 1

The University of New Mexico Art Museum (UNMAM) has created a scandal for the Art Department after a Center for the Arts janitor, Henry Robinson, stumbled upon millions of dollars worth of Pistol Pete art last Monday. “I was looking for some old supplies that we used to keep in a shared space, and when I opened that door, all this Pistol Pete crap came falling on me,” Robinson said. “That’s gotta be a safety violation.” The UNMAM has denied any involvement with the storage closet and its contents. UNMAM Director Anna Lyre has said that she does not believe it exists.